Autopsies & Futures

We received information about the results of Jet's autopsy last week.

No information, that is.

Yep, that's right. They didn't find anything unusual. Everything was as it should be.

Conclusion: no cause of death found. Jet's death gets added to the Netherlands' SIDS statistics for the year 2009.

The SIDS foundation doctor did have one final suggestion for us. He recommended that we have some genetic tests done. Some of Jet's tissue is still available to the genetic department at one of the hospitals here in Amsterdam, and they can test for one final thing. Whether Jet may have had a genetic predisposition for cardiac arrest.

We have to fill in a lot of forms with family history. Health history. Birth and death history. And the only thing that stands out is that no-one in either of our families had any heart problems. No-one in either of our families has ever had a heart attack.

Mmm ... doesn't bode well.

So we may have to accept the fact that no reason for our children's deaths will ever be found.

Apparently normal, healthy children. All three of them.

:::

So now what? I have absolutely no idea.

When I rang my mother to tell her of Jet's results, she said that we'll have to build a future for the two of us.

Easily said. Not so easy to do.

I mean, how on earth am I supposed to do that? I find it difficult enough to get out of bed at the moment. And then to have a shower. How on earth am I to build a future for the two of us?

And what is there to build a future for? When I know that the best has already been? When no matter what we do together in our life, we both know that it will never get any better than those days when we were a living family with hope for a future with Freyja and then Kees and then Jet?

What's the point of building a future, a life, which will die when we do? What's the point in building assets which will go to charity when we die? What's the point in collecting beautiful things and memories, when we have no-one to collect them for?

Who will cherish the photos of my children once I'm gone?

Who will remember my children once I'm gone?

Who will sort through our things when we're gone?

What is the point?

As you can probably tell, the future seems fairly bleak to me. As a matter of fact, the future is a kind of unreal thing which doesn't really have any meaning for me. I mean, it might never happen. Tomorrow is the only real future for me. Even this afternoon seems far enough away.

Can someone please tell me how to build a future when the foundation you have is so very very painful and sad?

What now?

I'm a bit lost again. I don't know what to do with myself.

I'm a grown woman, but I haven't a clue what to do with my life.

I've done all the things that I'd planned. And some that I hadn't planned, and that I hope will never happen again.

Before, before the dead babies, I'd always assumed something would come up. Something good. Like Craig. I didn't prepare for three dead children.

So what now?

:::

I just walked to the shop to get some wine (for me) and crisps (for Craig), and on the way home I walked past a group of young(er) people, one of whom was speaking with an Australian accent. I noticed immediately (of course) and heard them discussing what restaurant they should go to.

I felt very sad and nostalgic as I walked past. I even stopped and looked back at them just before I got to my front door.

I used to be like that. A Friday evening would always have me out and about with friends doing something.

Nowadays a Friday night is no different to any other night of the week. It's Craig and I at home. With Blair the cat. Watching a DVD. Tonight we watched Mas.ter Chef --- because we love it.

:::

I don't even need to ask "what happened?", because I know what happened. Three dead babies happened.

But I don't know what to do. I don't know how to get on.

I know I'll never get over it. Who would? But I don't know what comes next.

What do I do with the rest of my life (however long that is)? What do I do?

How many holidays can I go on? And they don't excite me any more anyway.

How many books can I buy? And I don't read them any more because I have no concentration.

How many DVD's can I buy? I don't have the concentration to watch those either.

How much rubbish can I buy on E.bay before I realise it's not going to make anything better (and will only anger Craig and empty our wallets)?

How many friends can I visit, and watch them with their children? I can't because it upsets me and makes me angry. That their children live, whilst all of mine are dead. In addition, most of my "friends" don't want to spend any time with me. I don't blame them really. I'm not the most fun person in the world these days.

:::

I'm 41 and I feel like my life is over.

I have no clue how to proceed further.

I don't know where to begin.

Craig makes plans for us for the future, and I just follow. Because secretly I don't believe in the future, our future, anyway.

I'm lost.