I haven't been here for a while. This blog has been silent.
I haven't had much to write, to share.
My life plods on. Each day the same as the next.
:::
My sister and her husband and her three daughters are coming to this side of the world next month. I'm looking forward to it. But I'm also dreading it a bit.
My sister is happy with her life. Happy with her husband. Happy with her kids. Happy with everything really. And I'm not.
My sister is a missionary. A fundamental christian. She believes her happiness and the happiness and health of her family, comes from god. She believes that because she's a fundamental christian, because she believes in god, that god looks after them and gives them health and happiness.
I used to be a christian too. But then my children died. And I wondered where god was.
I don't know how my sister and her husband can believe in god, the god I used to believe in, the god who keeps people healthy and happy, when my three children are dead.
I don't know how my sister can believe in god, when her god performs miracles, when her god has a plan, when her god knows everything that happens, when her god is all powerful. How can she believe?
Does she believe that my children are dead because somehow it's all part of god's plan?
I know she believes that my children are growing up in heaven. I know because she's told me. I hate it when she says so, because I know that is not the case.
Everything that she believes about god, which is everything that I used to believe, is false.
She believes that god hears prayers. She believes that god answers prayers. She believes that god ALWAYS hears and ALWAYS answers prayer. She and her husband pray about everything, and wait for god's answer.
And yet when I prayed for Freyja, she died. When I prayed for Kees, he died. Hundreds, if not thousands, of people prayed for Kees, and yet he died. I didn't pray for Jet, because I knew it was useless.
And my parents, and Craig's parents, who are all fundamental christians, they prayed for Freyja, for Kees, for Jet, and still they died. God did not save my children. The god to whom they prayed did nothing. Although according to my parents and Craig's parents and my sister, god did hear, but his answer was just unclear to us. Obviously the god who has planned every single thing in every single person's life, had already planned that my children would live and die as they did. And prayer wasn't going to change that.
I stopped believing in god. I know the day and time, down to the last minute, when I stopped believing in god. It was when Craig and I held our son Kees in our arms and watched him die. Watched him take his last breath. Held him whilst his heart stopped beating. I stopped believing then.
But my sister still believes. She is still a missionary. With a mission from god. To tell as many people as possible about the power and love and kindness of god. But I have seen none of that. The god I believed in does not exist.
And this belief of hers, it gapes like a chasm between us. She believes her happiness, her health, the health and happiness of her family, is due to god. She honestly believes this. And I used to believe it too. Until my happiness was taken away. Until my children were taken away. And god did nothing to stop it.
:::
So there it is.
She will be in NL for 4 days. She'll spend 2 days swanning around visiting all the relatives, who have jumped for joy at the news of her coming, and who are rushing to plan a "family-day" so that all who want can see her. These are the same relatives who did nothing, said nothing, when my children died. I will not be going with her to see the relatives. I cannot pretend. I cannot pretend about happiness which does not exist. I cannot pretend I don't loathe the relatives who did nothing and said nothing. I dislike hypocrisy intensely.
I'll have to walk on egg shells when she's here.
I'll have to put up with their prayers and "bless you's".
Maybe I'm not looking forward to it after all.
