The beast inside

I mean the beast inside me.

I don't think that beast existed before. Before all our babies died.

This beast only shows itself sometimes. And only when I have no control over it. Like when I drink too much wine. Which I try not to do because I know that the beast might come out.

This beast says nasty things. Sometimes it does nasty things. It doesn't care that it might hurt someone's feelings.

Like I wrote above, I never used to have this beast inside me. And now I wonder if it will ever go away or whether it will stay with me forever.

I just don't know.

Going public again

I'll give it another go I think. Going public, that is.

Sometimes I look at other blogs, and sometimes I stumble across one where a rainbow baby has been born. And it's so hard. I feel so awful. Because I should feel happy for those parents, but I just feel sad for me. So very, very sad.

And that's the risk with going public. Letting other people into my blog again. Maybe random people who don't know what it's like to hold your dead child in your arms. Or people who do know what it's like, but who still have hope in their life. I am still hope-less. I'm still looking for hope. For a reason to hope. I'm still looking.

But. Let's see what happens if I go public.

Changes

I've made some changes to my blog. The name of the blog, for instance.

I've thought about making my blog public again. So the change of name (in both the name of the blog itself and the web address) is to reduce the number of hits it may otherwise get on internet search engines.

What do you think? Any advice about my thoughts of going public again? I'd appreciate any comments you have.