Another windy day

And here we are, years later again.  Another windy day.

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We've moved to Adelaide - to an apartment in the city - the central business district.  It has been many years since we've lived in the centre of a city - not since Amsterdam in fact.  We are loving it.  I'm loving the hustle and bustle.  I love the convenience.  I love the busy-ness.  I love the greenery - we live near many gardens and large parks.  I love the daytime and nighttime views.  I'm finding I'm not missing the ocean very much at all.

We have plans to build a house - yes, those 5 years in the lifestyle village were great, yet something was always missing.  We still dreamed of building a house.  So hopefully now we will do it.

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A phone conversation today reminded me that I used to have many friends.  Friends that were friends before all our losses.  I'm sad that I don't have those friends any more.  I'm more sad that I'm not that person any more - that person I used to be before grief changed me.  

The reality is that those friends were starting their families just at a time when we lost ours.  And so those friendships suffered.  It was extremely difficult to be friends with people when they were sending us their "newsletter" emails full of their pregnancies and their baby news and their childrens photos.   It was right at a time when we were so totally overwhelmed by our grief.  Our grief and our anger and denial was so profound and consuming and was with us every waking moment.  News of our friends' growing families was incredibly confronting and brutal to us.  We were not in a place to be accepting or joyful for others during those times.

The reality was that our grief snowballed over those years when we lost our three children.  It became complex and overwhelming and left us feeling so incredibly sad and alone for many years.

So when I hear (via someone else) about a person who used to be my friend being sad about our lost friendship, I think about how their lives continued, how their children were born and lived. How their daily lives include their children, every single day.  

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My lost children are part of my daily life now.  My grief for them is with me as surely as I wake up and breathe and walk every day.  I'm sure it will be a part of me until the day when I no longer wake up and breathe.

I grieve much more actively for the person I used to be.  The person I was before I buried my three children.  The person I was before I had MS.

It is difficult to explain to people.  Honestly - I think most people don't want to know and most don't care.  

Those friends, back then, they didn't really want to know.  They were busy with their lives and their pregnancies and their children.  My dead children were shocking to them.  My reality didn't fit with theirs.  And that's how the friendships died.

Thoughts on a windy afternoon

(I found this post so I thought I'd post it.  It was written about 4 years ago.)

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It's a windy afternoon, and Craig is driving to Victoria, working for a few days.

I'm home alone, with the dog and cat.

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I just read my previous post and realised that it's been more than a year since I wrote on this blog.  Lots of things have happened since then.

We survived living with my IL's for 8.5 months.  It was tough, especially through the hottest summer on records, as their house has no air conditioning, however we got through.

Since then, some major stuff happening in our lives.

We sold our land.  Yes, it was a difficult decision, but we decided that building a house, a big house, on a big block, was too much work for us.  It would have been a big financial commitment, a big time commitment and an enormous physical and mental effort for us.  We would have been busy for years setting up the house, the garage/s, the garden, etc.  And quite frankly, we need to live for the now, make the most of the now.  Because we don't know what's ahead of us.

So we sold our land (sob sob) and bought into a Lifestyle Village.  For those of you who don't know (and most people don't) the Lifestyle Village we bought into is for people aged 50+.  If you are a couple, at least one of you needs to be retired (ie. me).

Craig talked me into it, and, having been here now for nearly 7 months, I think we made the right choice.

We decided for several reasons.  Firstly, instant community.  Secondly, no children (this is a big one for us -- we were worried that if we spent all our time, energy, money, etc, on our new build, and then a young family moved in next to us, we'd have to move).  Thirdly, lock & leave -- if we want to go away, it's easy to just go and not have to worry so much about the house - the neighbours are all keeping a close eye on it!  Fourthly, we wouldn't spend all our money - we'd have enough left over to buy a motorhome.  That was a biggie - instead of committing all our finances (now and future) to a new house build), we'd be able to buy a motorhome immediately.  Which we did.  Additionally, the Lifestyle Village has parking onsite for recreational vehicles - bonus!

So, here we are.  And we're enjoying it.  We like our neighbours.  We love the location.  We totally renovated our house - so we love our house.  Our garden is well on it's way to being established.  And we have our new motorhome.

We've already been for our first major trip - up to Uluru - which was wonderful and a successful trip.  We hope to travel many more kilometres with this vehicle, which we have named the Tar Trekker.

In addition, great news:  the Ocrevus treatment is working.  My last two MRIs have shown no new lesions on my brain!  This is the best news possible.  So now we cross our fingers and hope that it continues to work.  Unfortunately, existing damage in my brain remains, so I continue to have health issues.

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I found this post so I thought I'd post it.  It was written about 4 years ago.