Motivation ...

A friend showed me an article he found online about employees getting in trouble because of their FB updates. When they're ill, and they post online about their adventures. When they don't like their superiors, and then post their feelings online. That sort of stuff.

One of the examples was of an employee who was off work, ill, with depression. S/he went on a vacation/holiday whilst being ill with depression, and posted on FB about it. Their illness was then challenged on the basis that no-one can go on holidays when they are "ill".

Quite bizarre really.

I've been telling my brother often enough to keep is private life private, and to not post every drunken thought on FB. He often complains about the system he's in, and about the superiors he works with/for. But that's his problem.

I'm off work. I'm ill. I haven't been to work at all since Jet was born and died. Before then, when I was pregnant with Kees, and then after his death, I was regularly going to work, but not full time. I've been on some form of sick-leave for more than three years now.

But it's not a sickness or illness that many people understand. It's not something that they can see. And it's not something I'll just "recover" from.

I suffer from anxiety. I suffer from depression. I suffer from post traumatic stress disorder. All these illnesses/conditions have been diagnosed and confirmed by our treating psychiatrist.

So people who are my FB friends often see me update my status in relation to weekend trips away, or a longer vacation/holiday.

So my friend, who sent me the link to the online article, said that maybe I should be more careful. Because of who might be reading.

I had two responses.

The first is that I have a very select group of FB friends. No family, no colleagues.

The second is that for us to go away from home, even if just for a few days, is a tremendously emotional and draining experience. I often don't want to go away at all, and am only agreeing because I think we should, and because Craig wants to go.

It all comes down to motivation. And the fact that I don't have any.

The deaths of our children, the change in lives, our plummeting careers, losing friends and family, these things have affected us profoundly.

For me it is motivation. I don't have any. I don't see the point in anything any more. So whenever we talk about going away (whether for a few days or weeks) I have to force myself to go.

We plan months in advance, so that those days/weeks are blocked on our calendar. And I force myself to get in preparation mode, pack, find all our stuff. Then it's loading the car, collecting the caravan, you name it. And I have to force myself to do all and any of it. Because I have no motivation.

I have travelled widely and extensively. Both with Craig and before him. And I loved it. Always. But not any more. It's nice to see places, sure. But I get tired. The crowds bother me.

When you're traveling, you have to make the most of each day, regardless of the weather. I just get tired, and I worry about my cats.

I can honestly say that the only thing that I'm motivated about when we are planning and going on holidays/vacation, is when we're heading home!

And the worst thing? Is that other people are envious of us because we travel to faraway places!! When all I really want is to have my children, or even one child, living here with us, at our home, being part of our family.

:::

We're heading off again tomorrow. For a short trip. To an off-road show in Germany. We're driving there with a friend (who sent me the online article) who also has a Land Rover. The weather looks iffy. I'm trying to be positive. But the motivation is still lacking.

Friends

My former best friend got married on the weekend.

We stopped being friends a few months after Kees died. I expected a lot more from her, and she disappointed me several times. We spoke about it. My expectations. But it made no difference. She was too busy with other things and other people. She didn't understand that I needed more from her than before.

Anyway. One of my other friends mentioned a few months ago that she was going "away" for a wedding. I guessed immediately that it was my former best friend. And it was.

She was my witness at my wedding. I wasn't invited to hers.

How life changes. And (in my case) not for the better.

Families

I've been thinking about families a lot recently.

:::

My father is staying with us at the moment. He decided about a month ago that he would visit the Netherlands, primarily to see his brothers and sisters. He contacted us and asked whether we'd be around, and I advised him that we would be away for the whole month of May. He booked his trip anyway.

We got home a few days early, so I rang my father at his sister's house, and collected him from there on Monday.

:::

Families. I've been thinking about what makes a family.

I was part of a family - my parents, me and my three siblings.

Then we started to break up as a family. My siblings and I all went our own ways. And I began to realise that a family isn't forever.

My mother likes to pretend that we're a "close" family. We used to be, but we are not any more.

There are divisions in our family now. I don't expect we will all gather together as a family for anything other than funerals any more.

I was single for a long time, and I counted my siblings and my parents as my family. But it turns out that they didn't. Not really. My sisters were both married with their own children. They had their own family. My brother has been running away from his family since he first left home at age 18. He's just entered a new relationship and I hope for him that he finds what he needs in this relationship.

But. I digress.

I slowly realised that my friends, my close friends, were actually more of a family to me than my parents and siblings. (Although, as it turns out, those friends weren't family at all. They couldn't run away fast enough when our babies started dying.)

Then I married Craig. I never thought of Craig and I as a "family". More as a "couple". Families somehow include children. Families aren't made up of two people.

Anyway, so my father is here. And his presence again makes me realise that I am not even in his top 10 priority list any more. His focus in life is on other things. Not on me, his daughter.

He hasn't really seemed at all interested in finding out what I am up to in my life. Or how I'm feeling. And when we do talk, he doesn't really listen. We have conversations and he immediately forgets what we talked about.

The nasty emails I received from the ranting uncles were spurred on by my father having lunch with them at their house. I wasn't aware that he was having lunch with them (as they haven't talked in many years) until I started receiving nasty emails. And even then, when I told him about the emails, which were directed at us and nasty about us, all he was really interested in was what the nasty emails said about him and my mother. Then he had to show the emails to his other siblings in an effort to get them all to "boycott" my ranting uncles.

I was quite shocked. I mean, the nasty emails were about us, Craig and I, yet he chose to make it all about him. He didn't even ask us about how we were affected by the nasty emails.

Now he regrets having lunch with the ranting uncles. Something I had already advised him against. But he doesn't listen to me. He's more interested in gathering his siblings and showing them how evil and nasty his brother (and partner) are. It's all very strange.

So. We have my father in the house. Our routine is completely disrupted. He's ill as well, and is coughing and spluttering all the time. But he still wants to go out and get some "fresh" air. Right.

To be quite honest, I'll be glad when he's gone. He doesn't seem at all interested in being here. He only came to the Netherlands to see his siblings, as one of his brothers was diagnosed with cancer about 6 months ago.

I haven't missed my parents. Because my life has changed so much in the last 5 years. Because I have changed so much in the last 5 years. Because my family doesn't exist any more. My family is comprised of me, Craig, Freyja, Kees and Jet. My parents and siblings form other family groups. Or, like me, my brother forms part of a couple.

Nowadays, when I say I miss my family, I'm talking about the family that Craig and I should have.

The family which I used to be a part of disintegrated a long time ago.