The end of our Italian vacation

I am nearly at the end of my 3 week Italian vacation. Today I am in Rome. We are flying back home to Amsterdam tomorrow.

Craig is out and about today playing tourist, but I cannot face the heat. It's too much for me now. I'm 28 weeks pregnant and I cannot drag myself all around this big, hot and smelly city to look at the sights (I've seen them before).

We've had a lovely time away. Although it hasn't been entirely stress free. The Italians drive like complete lunatics. I wonder how any of them ever passed their driving tests ... And Italy is not one of the cleanest places in the world. And we missed our 5 star cruise luxury ... (the cruise we were supposed to be on ... but where I wasn't allowed on board because I was TOO pregnant).

We picked up our little campervan in Rome. Then we drove up to Tuscany where we began our Italian tour with a visit to my cousin who lives just out of Grossetto, followed by a visit to a friend who lives on a beautiful olive farm/vineyard in the hills between Lucca and Pisa. Craig climbed the leaning tower in Pisa. We went to Cinque Terre - a beautiful place - and walked the coast/cliff paths. Then we drove across the country to Venice. Always a beautiful city - last time I saw it was in the middle of winter when we had to walk through St Mark's square on boards because the square was flooded!! What a difference. We drove through the mountains from Venice down to Florence for a day of wandering the old city. Followed by a stroll through charming Siena.

Unfortunately we had quite a bit of rain in this first week and a half of our Italian tour, so following our Siena visit we decided to head south.

We drove straight down the middle of the country down to Naples, where we stopped and visited Pompeii. One of those places you always hear about but never really expect to visit. Rather scary with Mount Vesuvius looming over us!!! Then on to Sorrento -- a lovely seaside town south of Naples where we based ourselves for a further six nights. This campground had a great pool, as well as beautiful views of the Naples bay and Mount Vesuvius. No rain here ... just lovely sunshine! We popped back into Naples to visit the ruins of Herculaneum. We visited the island of Capri (where we went to it's highest point and then walked down 800+ steps to the harbour ...). We rented a Smart car for a day and drove along the Amalfi coast - very beautiful. All interspersed with lazy days by the pool with a good book. Alas, we had to leave the sunny seaside to head back to Rome where we said goodbye to our campervan and headed into smelly Rome itself to our hotel.

It's lunch time here now. Craig's still out and about, and I'm having two packs of crisps for lunch. It's all I could get from the vending machine in the hotel, and I'm not keen to go outside. The weather is too hot, and I'm too scared to go anywhere by myself these days. At home, it would be fine, but not in a strange city. (One of the many changes in my life since losing Freyja and Kees ... I had no fears and used to travel the world by myself!)

My pregnancy has been good to me during this Italian vacation. It may have been better if we'd gone a few weeks earlier, as I've been getting tired a lot quicker, but on the whole, it's gone very well. Of course, 28 weeks is a pretty scary time for me. We lost Freyja at 28 weeks. For no reason that the doctors could find. So I guess I'll be worrying (more than usual) in the next few weeks.

Over these last few weeks, people have smiled indulgently at us. At the picture that Craig and I present. At the loving husband and obviously pregnant wife. At the sight of me waddling around Capri Town in 35 degree celsius heat. Or me swinging on a chair lift up a mountain. Or me waddling around the pool with a huge belly. Most people assume that this is our first child ... of course, we don't have any children with us - I guess it's a fair assumption. But for those who ask, I always tell them the truth. I always tell them about Freyja and Kees. I can't pretend. No matter how much everyone else doesn't want to know. Like all those people on public transport, who see me coming, with my huge belly, but quickly look away, because they don't want to give up their seat. It happens ALL THE TIME. In three weeks only one person has stood up and offered me his seat. He was a lovely Scottish gentleman.

I wish I believed in fairy tales. I wish I believed in "happy ever after". But I don't believe. I know it doesn't always happen. I know only too well. I have given birth to and buried two children. Two healthy children who should never have died. And now I'm 40 -- 41 when this child is due to be born. I can't do it again. This is my last chance. And guess what? The chances are that it won't be happily ever after ... That's my fear. This isn't just a baby. This is the REST OF MY LIFE. These last few weeks will determine whether I will get to parent a living child for longer than 7 weeks or whether I will be only ever be a mum to dead children.

Does anyone understand the implications of this????? (I ask, because most people do not understand this. They think there's "always" hope. Well, guess what, for me there's not.)

This is the rest of my life.

Anyway, as you can see, my days are still filled with fear and worry and desperation.

But at least we've had this lovely vacation.