What do I get?

More babies are being born.

A mother from the on-line support group which I used to be a part of, who has lost two baby boys, she had a little girl several days ago. A healthy, living baby girl.

One of my friends here in the Netherlands had another little girl yesterday. Her second baby. Her second girl. A healthy, living baby girl.

And what do I get?

Three apparently healthy, but dead, babies.

:::

I had a massive panic/anxiety attack the other day. I don't know why.

We were looking at a tent to buy. A used one. But barely used - almost new. I wanted this tent very much. The design was one we had been considering for several years, but they're very expensive. So when the opportunity came to buy a used one (in excellent condition) for less than half the price of a new one, we jumped at it.

So we were sitting at the tent seller's house, and I had began to have enormous chest pains. All of a sudden, and for no particular reason. Classic anxiety. Craig thought maybe I was anxious about spending so much money, especially given our very uncertain immediate financial future. But I don't think that was it. I don't know what it was.

We bought the tent. The sellers were lovely people. Maybe ten years older than us. Also four-wheel-drivers. Adventurer travellers, a bit like us. Childless, like us, also not by choice. They tried to have children, biologically and by way of adoption, for many years, with no success. So now they just have to get on with life as best as they can. Just as we have to.

:::

My friend who had her baby girl yesterday, said to me a few weeks ago that she couldn't understand why we always want to do (or feel the need to do) big adventurous things. We were talking to her about our wish to drive from the Netherlands to Australia in our four wheel drive (hence the expensive tent purchase). I said to her that I didn't have a daughter at home to look after and another on the way.

I don't think she understood.

Her life is about her children. Mine is not and never can be.

:::

I've been fantasizing about another baby recently.

My fantasies take many shapes. Maybe adoption. Maybe another pregnancy. Maybe embryo adoption. But reality eventually comes back with a bang.

Our chances of success with adoption are so slim as to be virtually non-existent.

Another pregnancy would be simply a matter of stopping contraception. But getting a baby to live once s/he is born seems almost impossible. The doctors don't even know how to do that -- because they don't know why our three died.

And embryo adoption - that's one I've been looking into. We could do that. Probably quite successfully. It would cost money, but I don't mind that. It would be a burdensome process, but no more so than IVF - less even, because the embryo already exists. A pregnancy resulting from an adopted embryo would not suffer the same risks as my biological pregnancies.

But Craig doesn't want me to go through another pregnancy. He is scared to have a baby in the house. He fears that every baby he sees is dead or will die. I understand that. But I still want a baby.

:::

Maybe we will foster children one day. Maybe once we get back to Australia and build our house. Maybe then we will be able to look after children who need someone to love them.

Maybe that's what I'll get.