No information, that is.
Yep, that's right. They didn't find anything unusual. Everything was as it should be.
Conclusion: no cause of death found. Jet's death gets added to the Netherlands' SIDS statistics for the year 2009.
The SIDS foundation doctor did have one final suggestion for us. He recommended that we have some genetic tests done. Some of Jet's tissue is still available to the genetic department at one of the hospitals here in Amsterdam, and they can test for one final thing. Whether Jet may have had a genetic predisposition for cardiac arrest.
We have to fill in a lot of forms with family history. Health history. Birth and death history. And the only thing that stands out is that no-one in either of our families had any heart problems. No-one in either of our families has ever had a heart attack.
Mmm ... doesn't bode well.
So we may have to accept the fact that no reason for our children's deaths will ever be found.
Apparently normal, healthy children. All three of them.
:::
So now what? I have absolutely no idea.
When I rang my mother to tell her of Jet's results, she said that we'll have to build a future for the two of us.
Easily said. Not so easy to do.
I mean, how on earth am I supposed to do that? I find it difficult enough to get out of bed at the moment. And then to have a shower. How on earth am I to build a future for the two of us?
And what is there to build a future for? When I know that the best has already been? When no matter what we do together in our life, we both know that it will never get any better than those days when we were a living family with hope for a future with Freyja and then Kees and then Jet?
What's the point of building a future, a life, which will die when we do? What's the point in building assets which will go to charity when we die? What's the point in collecting beautiful things and memories, when we have no-one to collect them for?
Who will cherish the photos of my children once I'm gone?
Who will remember my children once I'm gone?
Who will sort through our things when we're gone?
What is the point?
As you can probably tell, the future seems fairly bleak to me. As a matter of fact, the future is a kind of unreal thing which doesn't really have any meaning for me. I mean, it might never happen. Tomorrow is the only real future for me. Even this afternoon seems far enough away.
Can someone please tell me how to build a future when the foundation you have is so very very painful and sad?
7 comments:
Oh beautiful im so sorry , im crying for you again im so sorry i was so hoping this one would give you something, anything as a reason for Baby Jet dying and im so sad it hasnt :(
I dont know how you move forward the best i can offer is one day at a time and one step and you know im here , i walking with you both and im not leaving , im not i promise you that.
My biggest hugs sweet one , i will remember them if im around i will cherish those pictures and i wont forget, i know this is tough but im holding out hope honey , i dont know what for as yet but im holding it for you both.
Much love and hugs , huge big hugs for you both today.
XXX
hey Mirne and Craig, i love you guys and know one day there will be more hope and more future and more love and more meaning. This is the black belt lesson nobody wants but I am confident we will "get it" despite the fact we never asked for it and just wanted normal. It sucks. Personally I hold on to hope and am friggen stubborn enough not to give up. I wish to give you a virtual push along, a ride along the way, a shelter in the storm, a sunshine in the dark, a hug and a magic want to make everything better.
biggest hug
xxoo Ines
♥ :(
hello Mirne and Craig, thinking of you both and wishing and hoping that you can find a way through this...some meaning and a reason to get out of bed. Easy to say i know. I think of you and your children every day. with love, suz xx
Dear Mirne, dear Craig, I am so heartbroken when I think of you, your beautiful children, and I ask myself often, how can that be. It´s so hard to realize that it is the truth and not a bad dream.
I don`t know if I ever told you that I am an adopted child. My parents had 5 miscarriages and one baby stillborn. They choose me as a baby, 3 weeks old, and my brother at the age of 3 from an orphanage. I am so thankful to my mother, that she gave birth to me, and to my other mother, that she brought me home.
I know, we never replaced their children, we were just an addition. I don`t know about adoption things in the Netherland...I know it is a bit difficult to adopt a baby in germany. It just came to my mind, and I thought I share it with you. I hope I didn`t hurt you in any way with that. Maybe you think your children or your age would cause any adoption problems, but I am not sure of that.
Thinking of you often, and - by the way- the gift takes a little time, but it`s coming.
Hugs,
claudia
I have no answers for you, it's a damn hard thing you face. I can only offer my support and love. Thinking of you. ((((hugs))))
I don't know what to say other than I'm so sorry you have no answers, only more questions. I wish you didn't need answers and that your house and time was full with caring for your beautiful children in the here and now. Sending you love.
Post a Comment