Hope

That strange thing. That thing you don't really give much consideration, until suddenly it's gone.

Gone.

And then it's something that you miss almost more than anything else.

Because until it's gone, you don't know that life is almost not worth living if there is no Hope.

:::

I never gave Hope any thought at all really.

I was In.Control.Of.My.Life. At least that's what I thought.

So Hope was completely irrelevant. I mean, what do you do with Hope when you don't need it?

There was always something to aim for, and, if you worked hard enough, it would always work out.

Maybe getting into the course I wanted at university. Which I did.

Maybe getting a good grade for a paper. Which I did.

Maybe getting the job I wanted. Which I did.

Maybe working overseas for a while. Which I did.

Maybe meeting a lovely man one day to share my life with. Which I did.

Everything was going well. Hope was in the background. I didn't really need Hope.

Because if you do all the right things, pay your tax on time, be respectful of others, then you don't really need Hope.

Hope is only for those who need it.

Those who are Not.In.Control.Of.Their.Life.

:::

Then we all know what happened.

One day I found out that I wasn't in control at all.

And suddenly Hope came out of the closet. Where I must have locked it a long time ago.

:::

So I Hoped for a baby who lived.

I Hoped for a baby who didn't die.

Several times.

But Hope was useless every time. Hope failed.

:::

Then Hope disappeared.

Vanished completely.

I don't know where it went, but it was G.O.N.E.

There wasn't much point to Hope.

:::

Then last week something happened.

I didn't recognise what it was at first, because it's been gone for so long. But eventually I did. I recognised it for what it was.

It was a spark. A spark of Hope.

:::

But now I'm scared. I'm scared to Hope.

I'm terrified that this tiny little spark will be extinguished. Because I know something now that I didn't know before Hope vanished.

I know that I am Not.In.Control.Of.My.Life.

This tiny spark of Hope exists independently of me. I cannot keep it alight. It was sparked outside of me, but it can be extinguished outside of me too. And I can't do anything about it.

:::

It's bloody scary.

I'm scared that if this spark is extinguished, that it may vanish forever. Or that if it is extinguished, I may close my eyes and my heart to Hope forever. That I will not allow myself to recognise Hope for what it is.

It's bloody scary.

I Hope this spark grows into a flame. I Hope it turns into a great big roaring fire.

I Hope.