I had already anticipated that we would hear little from our families. As time has gone by, nearly five years now since we lost Freyja, then Kees, and then Jet, these dates, these important dates of their birth and/or death, seem to have less meaning for others in our families.
I've noticed over the years. At first it was phone calls, cards, drawings (from my nieces) and flowers. Then slowly that all petered out. Now if we get a phone call, we're lucky.
This year we only got one phone call.
My sister remembered and called me on Kees' birthday.
Craig's mother sent him a one-line email.
His aunt sent us an email.
A friend sent us a card. She never forgets.
My brother was conspicuous with his silence. Not conspicuous really. Consistent. He never remembers any event which doesn't directly relate to him.
My parents forgot. I rang them the next day and asked why they didn't call. Dad went into a ramble about having a BBQ to prepare for and not having turned the page from January to February on the birthday calendar. I thought that was rubbish but when my mum came on the phone, she said the same thing. And she said that as they think of Kees every day, it shouldn't matter that they were too busy to call on that day. I see it quite differently. They don't ring me every day to say they are thinking of Kees. But they should do so on his birthday. Then she started rambling on about how they suffer because I (their daughter) suffer, and how I can't know what that is like because I don't have a daughter. I hung up on them at that point.
Every single day for us is a new day full of memories of what we had and reminders of what we don't have. But it's not for them.
They may have been saddened by their lost grandchildren, or lost niece and nephew, but their lives haven't changed in any significant way. Except maybe that they have less contact with us, their daughter and son. And that's because they don't know what to say, say the wrong thing, or simply don't contact us for months on end. Craig has not heard a word from his (step)father since the day of Kees' funeral. That's nearly 3 years.
They all just get on with their lives. They don't even bother to remember that my precious son was born on that day. They have no inkling of how we struggle every day. I don't know why, but it still surprises me and hurts me that they are all so selfish.
8 comments:
((((hugs))))
No-one in my family calls ( or even emails, fo that matter) to remember my daughters, either. It is so hurtful, Im so sorry. Oddly, my parents also say it is difficult for them because they see me suffeirng, too. I can see where they are coming from, but it is so NOT the same thing.
Wish I had some words of wisdom for you. All I can say is I relate, and Im sending you hugs.
I posted it all over FB about the twins 2nd birthday on Jan 31st and a lot of our family members didn't even bother to say anything on my posts or call or even email. nothing.
You said it perfectly, it didn't change their lives significantly like it did our lives.
Big *hugs*
<3 Kees <3
Oh, I am so sorry that you don't have more sensitive people in your life who get it, or even if they don't get it, accept it and are there for you and Craig.
I'm especially sorry that your parents weren't there for you yesterday. And to imagine your mom said you don't have a daughter. :(
Hugs to you.
I remembered honey as always, i wont ever forget . Wish i could have skyped you but still no sound so would have been a one way conversation unfortunately. I find it interesting or maybe sad that family cant find the time or effort to remember and say so but those of us not family not only have a constant reminder but remember all of the important days.
After walking this road with you both for awhile now im not suprised at your parents and i would love to give them a piece of my mind especially for the heartless comment about Freyja not being here, way below the belt and not called for.
Wsih you were closer honey so love and hugs across the oceans for now until you are.
xxx
As wednesdayswithmalou has said above, I simply cannot believe that your mum would say that you don't have a daughter. That just about made my jaw hit the keyboard.
It is lovely that your parents think of Kees every day but, really, some days it would be good to be TOLD that other people remember our babies too.
Thinking of you and Craig and especially your eldest son over these days xo
Of COURSE you have a daughter.
Of course you do.
So hurtful.
The thing is, it doesn't even take that much to please us-a text, an e-mail, a card-anythign to let us know that you are remembering.
All we can do as their mothers is to keep their memory alive.
Remembering Kees with you.
xoxo
Thinking of you Mirne (& Craig) and your gorgeous boy Kees. I am so sorry your family of all people did not remember and/or acknowledge Kees' birthday, that is unforgivable! How would they feel if you forgot their childs birthday? But no doubt they would say that is different, it is no different - he is your child just like their living child is theirs, in fact his birthday is almost a little more important because that all you have left (and I don't mean material things of course). I am particularly sorry your mum said what she did, I have no words for how awful I think that is. *hugs*
Post a Comment