I can't sleep.
I've been trying to get to sleep for about an hour, but without success.
I read in bed for a while, to finish a book I'd been trying to finish. Craig read too, but he went to sleep without any problems. Except that my restlessness kept him awake longer than he intended.
And when I don't sleep, my mind is terribly active. I think about everything. Mainly bad things. Dead baby things. About things past that I can not change. And about things future which I know not of.
The past bothers me, for obvious reasons. Because I can't change it. But the future bothers me too. Because I don't know what it will be. Because I don't see how it could be anything.
:::
I said to Craig today that we don't laugh any more. I was thinking about it and wondering if we laughed at all during a day. Even once. But I don't think I did today. Or yesterday. I wonder if I have any joy left in my life.
:::
My diet is going well. I'm continuing to lose weight every week. It's a lot easier than I thought it would be. I've never heard anyone say to me that losing weight was easy. All I have ever heard from people is how difficult it is. So I'm surprised that (until now) my weight-loss journey has been fairly easy. If only everything else was that easy.
I knew even before I began the diet that I would succeed. Because it was something over which I had control. And I don't have control over much these days. Actually, I feel that I have no control over anything really. Except the diet.
I've lost nearly 10 kilos. But that's only a drop in the ocean. I want to lose another 25 kilos yet. My sister is of the opinion that I shouldn't lose too much. That I shouldn't go back to my old weight, because that will be too "skinny" for me. I'm of the opinion that I would like to fit into all those clothes I have packed away around the apartment. I'm not going to settle for less.
:::
My birthday is coming up. In 18 days. I will be 43 years old. Actually it will be the end of my 43rd year and the beginning of my 44th. And of course, just days after that will be Jet's 2nd birthday. And three days after that, the anniversary of his death. I wonder, will the remainder of my life only be filled with sad birthdays and death-anniversaries?
:::
I didn't get a period this month. I think it's because I lost 1.7 kilos last week. I think my body is a bit screwed up. I was petrified that I might be pregnant, but a home pregnancy test put an end to that. It made me wonder, that fear. It was the first time I would have faced a pregnancy with fear. The other three were faced with wonder, and a secret certainty that everything would be ok. But another pregnancy ... I have no certainty any more. Only about death.
So even though a living child is still my greatest wish, an even greater wish is no more death.
:::
Every day I swing from an overwhelming desire to have another baby to acceptance of what we have now. The only problem is that Craig and I have nothing now. And that's what causes all those uncertainties about the future. What sort of future will we have if we have nothing? We just exist. We don't do anything. We don't produce anything. We don't contribute anything. What on earth would our future hold? Two fairly useless, sad, unproductive people, with no purpose. Sounds miserable.
:::
Well, Blair has just come down to look for me. He does that if I'm gone too long. He sleeps in our bedroom, and he sees when I leave. Then if I'm not back immediately he comes looking. He's crawled on to my lap, so I've had to move the laptop. I haven't seen Ferry, so I might go look for him. He finds a different place to sleep every night. Ferry is a restless thing. A busy little cat. Constantly on the go, finding something new. Whereas Blair is predictable and routine. What a comfort.
Yet that same routine and predictability, when seen in my life, gives me no comfort at all. The idea of this routine stretching into my future (however long that may be), makes me want to scream. This is not what I wanted. It's not what I want.
:::
Where the hell has my life gone?
3 comments:
Good job on your weight. I can see how rewarding it would be to have control over that and why you are doing so well with your diet for that reason.
I wonder too if this adoption/ have a child/ be a family thing does not work out if I will find acceptance in how things are. I don't know.
Thinking of you as September creeps closer ...
As you know, I'm also having trouble sleeping. Sometimes I read, sometimes I know my restlessness is keeping my husband awake, sometimes I find myself at the computer. My brain just rattles round and round it all.
Glad that the diet is going well, 10 kilos is amazing. I also have a lot of clothes packed away that I would like to fit back into.
Oh that secret certainty, I had it too. For you and Jet. I truly did. I still can't believe it. Your beautiful youngest boy.
Thinking of you over these coming days and especially thinking of your Jet as the 29th approaches. xo
Hey Mirne
I'm catching up on your blog and you know what? I would just love to talk to you, face to face or on the phone/skype(?) even. I dare say, I know how this perspectiveless existence feels like, I have come to love-hate the word "invalid" for that very reason. But I know it's not good enough to just exist without purpose and yes, children are a nice way out of the lack of same. And it's a shit deal to try to make that one resolve without the joker card -more children. But I want to think and do believe there is a way... without this constant pining and longing for something out of reach, so out of reach that it's completely stupid to want it. Like wanting to be able to do world class competition gymnastics at my age. it's so completely out of the question and I don't pain for that either, so why children?? I am no way near answering that one, but I'm working on it, because, well, I (still) don't declare defeat even though I feel... cheated?
if you have skype and want to chat, send e an email. Anytime, my friend.
Lots of love
xx
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