January

Well, here it is.  2012.  Another year.

I meant to write here before the new year.  But Blogger defeated me.  There's a new layout, and I cannot even find "dashboard" to read other posts.

I read some blogs, but was very disturbed that they all seemed to be moving forward at a pace which I was not.

Talking about how (extended) family members grieved.

I don't like talking about that.  Or reading about that.

These comments all seemed to be from people who's loss was in the past.  Where they had gone on to have another living child.

Whereas my losses are very much in my present.

I have no living children to distract me from what might have been.

I only have what should have been.

And it offends me to consider that my (for example) mother's loss may have some bearing on my loss.

My mother has four living children, and seven living grandchildren.  I have nothing.

My youngest sister has four living children.  My next youngest sister has three living children (oh, but wait ... she had 3 early miscarriages, so she knows what loss is like.)

I live with my loss. Every day I live with it.

Every day I think of my children.  Every day I think of what they and I should be doing.  What life we should be living.

Some people think that's unhealthy.  I think it's life.

My life goes on.  But it goes on without my children.  Obviously.  How could I not remember that?

I worked out why we put on so much weight.  It was sadness, and grief, and anger, and cold weather, and no exercise, and sitting at home watching tv.  I know, because we're doing the same thing again.

This winter has been miserable.  We're going to Austria tomorrow to see a bit of snow.  Because there's none here.

This might be our last winter in Europe.  Next winter, we might be elsewhere.  We might leave Europe this summer.  If everything works out as planned (which it never does).

Anyway. If anyone can help me find my dashboard, I'd appreciate it very much.