I absolutely hate it.
What does that mean? What does that mean if the rainbow baby doesn't safely arrive?? Or if the rainbow baby is ill. Or if the rainbow baby dies. What??
Does that mean that Freyja didn't somehow ensure the safe and healthy arrival of her baby brother Kees? Or that she did, but that somehow she wasn't able to ensure we got to keep him longer than 7 weeks?
Does that mean that Kees wasn't able to ensure that we got to keep his baby brother Jet for longer than 3 days? Because after all, Jet arrived safely and healthily, just like his brother Kees. We just didn't get to keep him. Just like we didn't get to keep his older siblings.
What on earth possesses people to say and write such stupid things? And not just any people, but baby lost parents.
What a stupid thing to suggest. That the lost child somehow ensured or ensures the safe arrival of the baby to come.
What a load of absolute crap.
And what a hurtful thing for people like me. Parents who have lost more than one child.
Parents who have not been able to paint a glowing picture of their lost child as "guardian angel" of their newly born baby.
Parents who aren't proudly able to declare that their lost child was the one responsible for the safe arrival of their baby brother or sister.
What a lot of shit.
Isn't it bad enough that a baby dies. That a second baby dies? We certainly don't need someone implying that dead babies are "helping" the new babies, or "looking after" the new babies, or are somehow "responsible" for the new babies' safe arrival.
What a lot of shit.
7 comments:
I'm glad you've pointed out how this can be hurtful, Mirne. Naturally what is a sweet idea for some is a painful jab for so many others. Sometimes we all - even babyloss parents - need a reminder to be sensitive and to think big picture, of other feelings and experiences.
Safe deliveries and healthy lives of siblings is a ridiculous responsibility to put on angel babies.
Did you know that Robert Munsch wrote Love You Forever as a song to the two stillborn babies he and his wife had? I'm probably repeating myself because I think I have posted that on your blog ages ago but I feel compelled to share his words with you. Their first baby was stillborn and then their rainbow baby was stillborn, too. He said he kept singing in his mind, "I'll love you forever, I'll like you for always, as long as I'm living my baby you'll be." (((Hugs)))
i wanna add something mirne, in hopes that it will help you. i'm not crazy about all that either, that the lost baby helped the rainbow baby to be born. because i DON'T think that kathlyn has some grand control over her siblings arriving safely. there ARE NO GUARANTEES IN LIFE! and im sorry you got hurt AGAIN.
but let me try to explain. my good friend (also named beth) is a rainbow baby... she was born after her mother lost her 2nd child, a stillborn at full term.
her mother says that beth was born, as a rainbow baby, because the other baby died. in the sense that, if that baby hadnt died, they wouldnt have conceived again when they did. so beth wouldnt exist. they love beth. they are thankful for her. it isnt meant to comfort, it's just a simple fact. they now know and love beth.. and they wouldnt know and love her if their 2nd child hadnt died. it's just a spin on things. i wonder if thats what people mean? not that they are "glad" the other baby died, certainly not. just that new babies were conceived and came into existance because life turned unexpectedly for the parents.
this wasnt really a comfort to me right now.. i would rather have kathlyn because i *dont* know or love my future children yet. i only love her. but once they are born, if they live, i suppose i can try to look at it that way, and love them, and think about the fact, once i love them, that they wouldnt have existed for me to love them if kathlyn had lived. because i wouldnt be trying to conceive my second child right now if she had lived. a different second child would exist than the one im hoping for now. again.. not a comfort right now. just a fact. and just simply the reason i would say that all these new rainbow babies that made it are special.. because they wouldnt have existed otherwise.
and this might mean nothing to you still, since poor sweet jet didnt make it either. im sure if kees and freyja had ANYTHING to do with it, jet would be here. kees himself would be here too if freyja had any control at all.
i went to a support group called kindermourn last night. they said for us parents to "help people help us." what can i do to help you, mirne? shut the hell up? stick a cork in it? keep trying? scream for you? please. help me help you.
I can only echo Beth. I'm certain that if Kees and Freyja could have helped Jet, he would be here today. Freyja would have helped Kees if there was any truth in this idea of older sibling guiding their younger brothers or sister here safely. But sadly none of us have any control at all. Living or dead.
I think people say these things to console themselves perhaps? The medical staff told us that if Georgina hadn't triggered my premature labour and had died in utero, Jessica would probably have died as well. Some of the nurses used to say that she had 'saved' her sister. I don't see it that way myself but I think it was said to try to comfort me. To try to make sense of the sort of situation that doesn't make any sense at all? The sort of spin described by Beth? Kind of an emotional interpretation of medical facts? But my girls were a very unusual situation indeed and there would usually be no basis at all for such an idea. But people use all sorts of strange ideas and concepts to try and comfort themselves. I know I use my fair share. Those little lies that I need to try and make sense of it all to myself.
I'm terribly sorry that Lou's phrasing hurt you. I can understand why it did. There are no guarantees. I only wish there were.
I am guilty of this myself. I have said it without malice or intent to hurt to mothers expecting their rainbow babies. Because I want to believe that our babies are angels, that there was a damn good reason they were needed in Heaven. I never once thought about how this belief or comment could hurt someone who's rainbow baby passes away because I never believed it could happen Mirne. You have shown me otherwise sadly. I never wanted to believe that one person or family would have to lose more than one baby, it's simply too much too bear. How wrong I was. I'm so sorry if my misguided beliefs have hurt either you or another babylost mother, something I would never do intentionally. This post does broaden the perspective for me as to the appropriateness of things that are said and as to how even the best intentioned hopes and wishes can be hurtful. Hope you are feeling better, I think of you often. Hugging you
I was just talking about this with someone else. I hate that people think because you are having another baby, it somehow makes the previous loss okay or better or more bearable. It doesn't but then I don't have to tell you that. Someone said to me, "when you have another baby, it will be one of the boys coming back to you." Really? I don't think so. My boys are gone and not come back and a new baby, that will be a whole new little person who will hopefully stick around longer than 23 weeks.
And for the record, I'm a rainbow baby. I was born after 2 miscarriages and 1 stillbirth and the thing is, I would have been concieved no matter what. My parents wanted more than one child. It's not a comfort to know that I'm a rainbow baby in any way shape or form. It hurts me to know that there were babies - my brother and two sisters - who didn't live. It hurts me to know that my mother has gone through what I have gone through (eventhough she's terrible at discussing this with me, I forgive her for that). And honestly, sometimes I feel guilty for making it when the other did not. Knowing that I endured when others didn't, it doesn't make me feel special. Please think long and hard before sharing this information with your child until they are old enough to understand about loss.
Wow. Just popped by and after reading the other comments there is so much more to think about from everyone else's posts. I'm glad everyone has shared other thoughts - it's such a minefield really - and like Margaret says, even comments with the best of intentions can inflict much pain or collateral damage really. MK, very powerful thoughts you've shared.
Mirne I am sorry you were unintentionally hurt. I guess we all try to make sense out of what we do not know and don't understand. When we lost Akul so many people told me that Akul was going to bring us so many gifts because he will be our guardian angel - this is not an idea I grew up with so I wondered what gift could he bring me that would be more precious than him. I would gladly give up every gift if I could have him back.
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