I'm a grown woman, but I haven't a clue what to do with my life.
I've done all the things that I'd planned. And some that I hadn't planned, and that I hope will never happen again.
Before, before the dead babies, I'd always assumed something would come up. Something good. Like Craig. I didn't prepare for three dead children.
So what now?
:::
I just walked to the shop to get some wine (for me) and crisps (for Craig), and on the way home I walked past a group of young(er) people, one of whom was speaking with an Australian accent. I noticed immediately (of course) and heard them discussing what restaurant they should go to.
I felt very sad and nostalgic as I walked past. I even stopped and looked back at them just before I got to my front door.
I used to be like that. A Friday evening would always have me out and about with friends doing something.
Nowadays a Friday night is no different to any other night of the week. It's Craig and I at home. With Blair the cat. Watching a DVD. Tonight we watched Mas.ter Chef --- because we love it.
:::
I don't even need to ask "what happened?", because I know what happened. Three dead babies happened.
But I don't know what to do. I don't know how to get on.
I know I'll never get over it. Who would? But I don't know what comes next.
What do I do with the rest of my life (however long that is)? What do I do?
How many holidays can I go on? And they don't excite me any more anyway.
How many books can I buy? And I don't read them any more because I have no concentration.
How many DVD's can I buy? I don't have the concentration to watch those either.
How much rubbish can I buy on E.bay before I realise it's not going to make anything better (and will only anger Craig and empty our wallets)?
How many friends can I visit, and watch them with their children? I can't because it upsets me and makes me angry. That their children live, whilst all of mine are dead. In addition, most of my "friends" don't want to spend any time with me. I don't blame them really. I'm not the most fun person in the world these days.
:::
I'm 41 and I feel like my life is over.
I have no clue how to proceed further.
I don't know where to begin.
Craig makes plans for us for the future, and I just follow. Because secretly I don't believe in the future, our future, anyway.
I'm lost.
4 comments:
grr double edit failure message has just deleted my comment... grrr.
I was just saying we do the dvds too, it's sliding doors tonight. I'm not sure it that's a stupid choice... we have a sarcastic punchline: toughen the fuck up... our black sense of humor or maybe it's the irish influence of laughing even though you want to cry...
love to you and Craig
xx Ines
Yes, we stay in more too. Friends go to friends homes with children, and we stay home. Our good friends who's son is one week younger than Liam go to Greensboro for visits with our other friends who now have 2 sons. "would we like to go?" I always say "no thank". Perhaps we would have been part of that, but we are not, things are different.
And planning for the future? How? Plans are nothing bur whispy dreams that seem to evaporate time and time again. Even our adoption plans have not become concrete plans. I just can not believe it will happen. I HOPE it happens, that adoption will lead us to parenthood. But it is all just plans at this point. Nothing but dreams and those dreams often feel out of reach.
I just try to live in the moment as much as possible. Sometimes this brings peace, sometimes not. Not much else to do though.
Sending love
Oh Mirne. I don't have any answers for you. This post reminded me of something I read a little while go, written by Sue of 'So Dear & Yet So Far' which has stayed with me ever since. The post is entitled Garbage but it is far from that. I think it is one of the most beautiful and painful things I've ever read.
http://sodearandyetsofar.blogspot.com/2009/11/garbage.html
The line 'break her and start over' still haunts me. Perhaps that it what we all have to do? I don't know. Much love and I wish I had something better to say. I'm afraid Sue will have to do the talking for me as she says it much better than I could ever hope to. Hope you don't mind Sue. x
Oh sweet you know your always welcome here i wont ever think your boring or not want to spend time with you but i also understand the kids thing and know my home can bring you pain too but my door is always open even your angry and cranky, much love honey to you and Craig too.
XXX
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