Anger, regrets and maybes

I've been very angry recently.

Angry that our children are dead.

Angry that the doctors do not know why they died.

Angry that if I got pregnant again, that child would probably also die.

Angry that almost all other baby-lost mums get their so-called rainbow babies, but I don't.

Angry at just about everything really.

I'm also angry that my life has gone. The life I had, it is now gone. The career I had, it is also gone. The confidence I had, gone. The abilities I had, gone. All of it, just gone. And the life I should have had, as a mother to my living children, that's gone too.

It's just shit really.

:::

I only had one requirement in life: that I not look back and have regrets. That I not regret the road not taken. That I not regret the things undone.

And I was successful.

Until my children started dying. Until then I had no regrets. I created opportunities, and chose wisely. I worked hard, and studied harder. I had no regrets.

But now. All I ever seem to be doing is regretting. My life is now filled with anger, sadness, grief, anxiety, stress and regret.

And no-one cares. Except Craig.

Isn't it funny that when you're doing well, when you're successful in life in whatever capacity, then everyone wants a part of it. They all want to take credit and share in your joy, success and glory. But when everything goes pear-shaped, well, then it's a different story. Then people just seem to melt away, disappear into the distance, maybe occasionally heard from again, but (more likely) never to be heard from again.

It sucks.

:::

I came across an article today on the net, about a girl who died as a result of something called sudden arrhythmia death syndrome (SADS). Check out this site and also this one. I read the article and thought, maybe this is what our kids had. Maybe this is somehow linked to the as yet unknown heart condition which Craig has. Our cardiologist said that if our children's deaths were heart-related deaths, then it would have been electrical problems in the heart, not muscular/physical ones. Because muscular/physical ones would have been picked up in the autopsies, whereas electrical ones can only be seen, recorded and diagnosed whilst the person is alive.

Anyway, so then I read the article, find out some facts, and think OMG maybe this is it.

I wonder if I'll be looking and searching for a reason for their deaths forever. I hope the doctors find out what it was. Maybe then I can have a little peace.