I don't have anything new to say any more.
It's all the same. I miss my children. I miss my life. I miss me.
I'm terribly bored all the time. I'm also very sad. And angry.
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I was thinking about happiness today, and trying to remember the last time I was happy. I can't remember really.
I read about The Happiness Project recently. So I wrote an email to the founder of the project, as she'd promised on her site that she always responds to emails. She didn't respond until I sent her a second email 3-4 weeks later. Then she said that what had happened to us was so momentous it wasn't something she could address in an email. So she just didn't address it. Turns out that she is just like everyone else.
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A friend dropped by recently. She'd contacted me from Australia a few months ago, to say she would be in Amsterdam. She'd asked if it was ok for her to contact us, as she hasn't been in touch with us since Kees died. I said it would be ok. Then I heard nothing from her again. So I texted her and asked when she'd be in Amsterdam. Fortunately I did, because the day I texted her was her last day in Europe and she was in Amsterdam. Then she turned up at our doorstep with her young son, and an unexpected 7-month pregnant belly. Does no-one in the world think about this sort of stuff? Did it occur to her that maybe she should have told us? Nope. Nothing occurs to people about us any more.
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We went away. We had planned two weeks away, with the caravan. To southern France and northern Italy. We were gone in total for 12 days, and then the urge to be at home overwhelmed us. So we went home, after spending some time (with great weather) in Chamonix-Mont Blanc, Venice and Nice. At least the cats were happy to see us.
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I've been missing my children more and more. Everywhere we go there are families and children and babies. And all I can see and think about, is our children, and our family that does not exist.
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At one of the campgrounds we stayed in, there was a young couple with a baby. They had a tent, and nothing else! No car, no bikes, nothing! Their baby was at the first-walking stage, and was walking everywhere. And, as usual with parents and a baby, they think nothing of it if the baby walks on the middle of the road, on to other camping sites, into the bathroom. And of course the baby was screaming all the time. Somehow people who have children, think that their children take precedence over everything and everyone else. It does not occur to them that their child might be annoying someone. Or bothering someone. Or disturbing someone. It does not occur to them that their child might be annoying someone. That some people just want to enjoy the peace and quiet of the campground. Or, that some people might be offended by the very loud and obvious presence of a child everywhere. We both struggled with that. I found it incredibly difficult to try to ignore the presence of the child. I couldn't really ignore it. Which made for a difficult time there.
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The weather has gone bad here. It's now well and truly autumn. Gray skies and rain. The central heating has come on several times already. We've had some terribly cold days and nights.
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I'm officially unemployed now. My employment ended on 1 October. In my daily life, nothing changes. I haven't been at work since before Jet's birth and death. In reality our income drops significantly.
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I spoke to my dad on the phone the other day. My sister and her husband and kids are staying with my parents for a month. And he was telling me that one of my cousins with her husband and kids were over visiting. I said to him, "all happy families then", and he said yes and continued waffling. He doesn't get it. Happy families are not us. We are not a happy family. I suspect we will never be a happy family, because there will always be too much missing. Too large a void to fill. But my dad doesn't see that. He says that I should be "happy for others". He doesn't see that's not possible any more.
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Oh, and I didn't follow my diet whilst we were away, and I only put on 200 grams. Thank goodness.
3 comments:
I think people who have never survived a tragedy such as infant death, or in your case three children, have NO CLUE. They don't know that simply responding to an email explaining that they are lost for words and an "i'm sorry" would be better than not sending one. Silence is not an acceptalbe response. Ever.
I think the last big family get together we attended was in October 2009. I was a disaster. All families. Children. Grandparents. And then there was us. I cried in the bathroom. We walked the beach alone. We were not one of them. It's a damn hard existance Mirne and few are going to get that.
(((hugs))) my friend.
I've never heard of The Happiness Project. Just been to their website, interesting and strange. I'm sorry that their founder didn't respond to your initial e-mail, as Amy says, silence isn't an acceptable response. Not addressing something doesn't make it unimportant, ignoring events that make you uncomfortable doesn't make them go away and who could ignore the loss of three beautiful children?
I wish that your friend had thought to warn you and that couple with the baby at the campsite made me wince for you and Craig. How difficult.
Sorry to hear about the end of your job, I hope that the drop in income won't make things tough for you.
And what your Dad said. Oh. I don't know, I can only acknowledge that but I should think that Amy's description 'damn hard' isn't far away from the mark. I'm sorry that it is your existence and that you are missing your three dear children so very much.
Remembering Freyja, Kees and Jet xoxoxo
oh yes, I know bored and i know angry and I know fear. This morning I realized I was spiraling down and down in that exact pattern and the only thing that made me not loose it altogether was the knowledge, this too shall pass. I know these fucking painful moments get less, some days it takes longer others it's over relatively quickly.
At the moment I'm even angry with J because he seems to have accepted the fact we wont have anymore children and I want to scream at him, how DARE YOU let go of my dreams?? But it's stupid to blame him...
And then I remember i used to fear loosing him and now? I DO STILL it's just it's sooo much easier to be angry. But I don't mean it.
I want to love life, love my life the way it is. Love me, love him. But some days it's just all fucked up. I'm sorry Mirne, it's so damn lonely.
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