Missing Kees

I'm missing Kees today. I mean, I miss him every day, but today I miss him more.

When I walk through our hall, I see his photos hanging on the wall, and I touch them, and I miss him.

Maybe it's because this time, these days, these hours before his brother will be born, remind me so very much of those hours before Kees was born. Those hours, those days when we worried. So much.

We wondered what he would look like. Who he would look like. Whether he would be healthy. What colour his eyes would be. What colour his hair would be. Whether he would look like Freyja.

Craig worried that maybe our baby boy wouldn't be gorgeous. He worried that maybe he wouldn't be beautiful. I wasn't worried. I'd already seen Freyja and I knew she was gorgeous. My two sisters between them had produced 6 children, all of whom were beautiful.

And I was right. See for yourself just how beautiful our boy is/was.

He was just getting the hang of sucking his thumb, was our Kees. He liked his dummy/pacifier but he really preferred his thumb. But new babies, they're not very coordinated. So he spent the first few weeks stabbing himself with his fingers and his thumb in the face, in his eyes, in his nose, nearly everywhere but his mouth. But he was learning. There were some successes.

I took these photos on March 8th 2008. Kees' heart stopped whilst he was lying on the sofa at home on March 19th. He was revived, but was pronounced brain dead and removed from the ventilator on March 21st.

Our beautiful, beautiful boy.

No matter how beautiful or special his brother will be, I will always miss my gorgeous son Kees. I could shed thousands, millions of tears for him, and it would never be enough. I will miss him forever.