I mean, all that stuff, that stuff which happened in my life before my children existed, does that stuff still matter?
I mean, all those things which happened in my life, those choices I made, the achievements, the travels, the work I did -- does any of that matter now?
Does any of that matter after my children were born and died?
I don't know. I really don't know.
I had lots of fun in my "before". I studied for a long time and achieved a very high level of education. I had a prestigious job. I earned a good salary. I travelled to exotic places. I went out with friends.
But does any of that matter now?
I don't know.
I've thought about this a lot recently. It amazes me that in such a short time I have gone from being that person - that ambitious, fun, sociable, lively person - to being the person I am now.
I used to go out drinking with friends, partying with friends, pubbing and clubbing with friends. Travelling with friends. And that was only 5 years ago. How can a person change so much in such a short time??
I was ready for a change of lifestyle when Craig and I got together. I really was. I was excited that (for a change) I fell in love with a man who was also in love with me. I was ready to "settle down". Be a wife. Change my focus from work to home. Work to live, not live to work. Children were not going to be part of the lifestyle, but that was ok.
I just wanted to "settle down" with the man that I loved. That seemed a logical progression in my life. A logical step.
But this isn't. This life isn't logical. There's nothing logical about it. This wasn't supposed to happen at all. And I wonder sometimes whether this, what's happened, makes everything that's gone before irrelevant.
I think it does to some extent.
None of my relationships (whether with friends or family) are the same as "before".
I am not the same as "before".
Craig is not the same as "before".
Our ambitions are not the same as "before".
Our plans (when we have them) change constantly and are short-term.
My career ambitions have disappeared.
It seems to me that all of that, all that happened "before", is no longer relevant. I think back sometimes to that person I used to be, and I don't recognise her. I really don't. She's gone. Well and truly.
All the good stuff. All the fun stuff. All the exciting stuff. All the achievements. They've been cancelled out. It's almost like the good stuff from the "before" has been cancelled out by the bad stuff in the "after".
I need new good stuff. I need to forge new stuff that matters in the after. Because the before stuff doesn't.
I guess that's what I need to figure out now. Who I am in the "after". Who I will be in the "after". What I will do in the "after".
5 comments:
After I lost Akul and emerged from my numbness, I realised I had become very old. I no longer want to go to any parties, I avoid big crowds, and I spend hours by myself. I need to cry so many times a day that it is impossible to be around "normal" people. My new normal is so not normal for others. My friend just called and said she wants her "cheerful, calm, centered" friend back. I want her back too but I know she does not exist any more. I can only imagine how you must feel Mirne and I know it will take a lot of soul searching and many many tears to find yourself. I am searching for myself and weeping with you. Hugsssssssssss.
I also have the feeling that everything I did 'in the before' was worthless. The studying that I did, the friendships I had, the pride I took in my work.
I don't know. I hope that they regain some of their relevance one day or that I will at least have an interest in work, relationships outside of my family, going out, travelling. All the things that I used to be so proud of.
I find it so difficult to know who to be and I can't understand how impossibly hard it must be for you and for Craig. Losing a child has altered me beyond all recognition, I can't imagine the impact of losing your precious daughter and your two gorgeous sons.
I hope that you find a way forward Mirne. I hope that you and Craig can find comfort and strength in one another. xo
I do think losing a child forever changes who we were. And the things that used to matter just don't anymore. I don't know if things are put into a different perspective or if we just lose interest in that old life, but it is definitely something that changes. I think we can find new things to focus on that help us to live our lives without our babies. You will find a way Mirne, it may take time, but I have no doubt that you will. xx
I hate the "after" but I know without a doubt I would never go back to the "before" if that meant I would have never met my baby boys. I would turn back time to have a different ending with them here with me, but having met them was my small gift. A small gift I could and would never give back. *hugs*
I don't know what to say, Mirne. It feels for me as though the blinders are off and I'm blinking in this horrible reality I don't want any part of. I know my father, who has been widowed twice and married to and divorced from my meaner than anyone mother in between, took about five or six years after Barb died of a sudden stroke to be social and date again. I wish there was a way to neatly wrap grief up and move on, but I guess it just has to be gotten through in our own time and ways. Damn it. (((Hugs)))
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