One month

One month today.

It is one month since I woke and found Jet dead in his cot.

One month today.

:::

About a week ago, Craig and I were walking through Amsterdam. We were walking to a baby shop. A shop where they rent out baby stuff. We'd bought and rented stuff there before. We bought Kees' pusher/pram there. We'd rented the cot for his pusher/pram there. The lady knows us. She knew that we lost Kees. She knew we were expecting Jet.

We went there to drop off a bag of stuff which she collects for sending and distribution in developing countries in Africa. This is a bag of stuff which is sent to every woman in the Netherlands before she gives birth. On the off chance that she chooses to give birth at home. After Kees' birth I also brought the stuff to this shop.

On the way there, whilst Craig and I were walking, we walked past an ex-colleague of mine. A woman I used to work with here in Amsterdam. I know her partner very well. He used to be a very close friend. She was pushing her latest baby (her third, a girl) in a pusher/pram. She walked right past us. She didn't see us.

Several days later, I was on a canal boat with Craig and his aunt. His aunt was visiting us from New Zealand for a few days. The canal boat went past a child-care centre. It's not far away from our apartment. We had looked at that child care centre in the past. Back when we'd still considered that Kees might go to child care. That was all before he died of course. I never considered putting Jet into child care. I never would have been able to do that. Jet would have stayed either with me or with Craig. Anyway, we went past the child-care centre in the canal boat, and I saw that an ex-colleague was there collecting two of her three children. To take them home. She also has three children.

Both these women I worked with. For a long time. Four years. Both these women used to be friends. Both these women sent condolence cards/notes when Kees died. One visited us when Kees was born. She only had two children at the time. She and her partner (the one who used to be a close friend) came with their children to visit us and to meet Kees.

Neither of these women have contacted me at all since Jet's birth and death. Neither of them. And yet I know that they will have heard the news. I know. Yet they do not contact me.

They have each had three children. They each have three living children.

I have had three children. I have three dead children.

:::

I sent a letter to my family today. To my parents and to my brother and to my sister L.

Well, actually I sent the letter via email. It was the only way to ensure that they all received it at the same time.

No doubt the letter will cause a storm.

I have written in this letter things which I wish I had written/told them three years ago. For three years I have had this stuff on my mind. For three years I have tried to tell them. And for three years I haven't been able to so.

Because somehow everyone expects me to "get over it" or to "get on with it". To put the grief away after a "suitable mourning period". To "pull your life together". But of course I haven't been able to do that. That wasn't possible for me. And I don't know if it will ever be possible for me now.

So I wrote the letter, and I wrote in the letter some of the (big) things that have been on my mind during this time.

I suspect they will all react very badly to it. To the letter.

We'll see or hear soon enough.

:::

My sister L just called me by telephone. She rang because it's her oldest daughter's birthday today. She's seven years old. Seven. So my sister L rang so that her daughter could say thank you to us. To thank us for the gift which we had sent to her some months ago already.

Before Jet was born I put together a parcel to send to my sister L. She and her husband and their children were going away for over a month. Whilst they were away, my sister L and her middle daughter would be celebrating their birthdays. So I made up a parcel of birthday gifts. And because I knew that her oldest daughter would be celebrating her birthday only two weeks after their return, I included her birthday gift too. A parcel with birthday gifts for three people.

Jet was born on my sister L's 40th birthday. Every day for the rest of my life I will remember my Jet's birth on my sister's birthday.

But today I had forgotten. I had forgotten that it was my niece's birthday. I only remembered that it was one month since Jet had died. I had forgotten about my niece. I never forget their birthdays and this was the first time I ever did.

I remember when I put that parcel together, and when I wrote those cards for the three of them, I was almost tempted to sign those cards "Mirne, Craig & baby". But I didn't.

I resisted the temptation. I didn't want to tempt fate. But it didn't make any difference. Jet still died.

I guess it's a good thing I didn't write "& baby" on those cards.

:::

Oh, and just to give me something to look forward to, tonight we are receiving a visit from a retired doctor and his wife. They have visited us before. He is a member of the cot-death foundation here in the Netherlands. He is a member of the cot-death work-group. The work-group was involved in checking and double-checking all the results of Kees' autopsy when it was done last year. We contacted the cot-death foundation a few weeks ago because we want the work-group to do this same this year for Jet's autopsy results.

Something to look forward to indeed.

What a wonderful life I lead.