It's been a while.
Things have happened. Nothing earth-shattering, just every day things.
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Our Freyja's (still)birthday came and went. It's been over 4 years now since that awful day. That day that started it all. That day which at the time seemed to be the day to end all days, but worse was to come.
Four years.
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We've had numerous sessions with a cardiologist. We've had numerous ECG's. Stress tests. Drugs pumped into us. And all concluding the same thing. They can't find anything wrong with our hearts. That doesn't mean there isn't some genetic thing there, maybe there is. But they just don't know about it yet.
:::
I read this morning that Denmark's Prin.cess Ma.ry is pregnant with twins. I read about it on an online news site.
And I have mixed feelings. Jealousy. Envy. And an incredible disbelief that someone, anyone, would announce their pregnancy to the world JUST LIKE THAT. Like nothing could go wrong. Like they think that waiting the standard 12 weeks will make it all ok. As if her being a princess will somehow make her babies safer.
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Craig and I bought a folding caravan. We've been tenting for the last year, but decided for various reasons that it didn't suit us here in Europe. Maybe one day, when we are back in Australia, we will tent again.
The folding caravan was a great option for us. Much less weight behind the car. Less wind drag.
It's an old little van. From 1981. But we love it. (We showed the photos to some friends recently, and they laughed at our little van. They said it was old and kitsch and weren't surprised we only paid EUR 500 for it. They laughed at our van and at us. I was mortally offended.)
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I can't wait to use our darling little van. We're going to the UK in a couple of weeks. We'll be celebrating our birthdays over there. The two of us. We're both going to be 42.
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42. With three dead babies. That's really awful.
And I haven't given up yet. On babies that is. But Craig and I are at an impasse there. He doesn't want any more babies, and I do. How do you compromise on that??? I don't think it's possible. Our impasse will remain.
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I was faced with some truths a few days ago. About being "friends" with people who believe different things to me.
Before all the dead baby stuff, acceptance and tolerance were big things for me. But not any more. Now I am much less accepting and much less tolerant.
For example, someone who compares their miscarriages to my losses -- that doesn't sit well with me. I don't think that's even comparable.
And the christian belief that life begins at conception. I used to believe that too. And I still do to some extent. I believe that Freyja, Kees and Jet began when they were conceived. However, I don't believe that a miscarriage was ever a person. I hope that some people can understand this difference.
I believe that there is a distinct difference between miscarriage and stillbirth. I understand completely why governments have made a distinction. I understand completely why they have tried to distinguish between a life which can only survive in the mother's womb and a life which can survive outside it. Even though it might need help.
I believe that the conception of a child is amazing. I believe that the joining and multiplying of cells, which then slowly become a living being, which then grows to a beautiful baby, is an amazing thing. I don't believe it's a miracle, because I don't believe in miracles. In my view a miracle is simply something which scientists haven't yet found an explanation for.
The views and beliefs which I have now, are very much influenced by what has happened to us in the last few years. The person I am now is very different to the person I used to be 5 years ago.
And some people find that very difficult to understand. Actually, it will be impossible for them to understand. Because they have living children, not dead children.
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I'm still struggling to find a future for myself. It's a huge struggle. I'm still well and truly lost in the maze of anger, grief, depression, disbelief and trauma which naturally follows multiple losses. Fortunately Craig is there to help guide me through the maze.
10 comments:
I like your van and I hope you can have some happy times in it.
Maddie
for what it's worth, I like your little van. It's funny and practical and cool and more befitting when it comes to traveling in rainy climates. Anyway who cares what other people think.
I think everybody is entitled to their opinion, you are and "they" are, but I think there is always a problem when people force their opinion down other people's throat. I have a whole blog post in the pipeline about happiness after loss. Maybe one day i will actually post it. :-P
I wish you happiness and love and peace.
Lots of love
xx Ines
I LOVE your camper! So vintage and authentic rather than new and shiny, without history or use. I really love it. Hopefully you will add to this campers history, making your adventures part of it's story.
And thanks for sharing your thoughts, so honesty.
Mirne and Craig,
I fell totally in love with the caravan! For that price I would have bought it without thinking! It`s great. If you don`t like it any more after your holidays, drop me an email ;-)
I hope you have a nice trip to the UK and find some relaxing places to stay and have a good birthday, both of you.
I will be in London at the end of August and will be thinking of you!
Love,
Claudia
I think it's a perfect little camper. :)
I completely understand where you are coming from too.
Sending lots of love to you & Craig and wishing you peace-filled birthdays. <3
I would kill for your camper! That's exactly what me and the Hubby have been looking for! Having had both miscarriages and stillbirths, I can tell you, it's not the same. The miscarriages hurt because it was the possibility of a baby. The stillbirth was devastating because they were my baby boys - with names and a nursery and booties. It's the possibility v. the reality.
Have great birthdays!
The caravan is so sweet. I love it! Hope it suits you and Craig better than being in a tent. The European weather is always conducive to life under canvas!
I don't understand how people can expect us to be the people that we were. Even after just one loss, I am a totally different person. In many ways not as tolerant or accepting as I was before, in other ways more so.
I've had a miscarriage and a neonatal death. Maybe it was the order in which they came but I also found they weren't the same. I can't describe why better than MK already has above. x
I'm here in Dk and was also shocked when I came home here and found out the prin.cess is expecting twins. I have to admit, finding out did not bring out the best in me. I just don't get why some things seem to come so easily to some people? It's not so much jealousy and just a wish that the universe was more fair. I wish you had your babies with you.
I understand you struggling to find a future for yourself - I wish you luck and peace and answers to your questions.
xo
Oh, yes. There is a HUGE difference between miscarriage and stillbirth. With a miscarriage, you are grieving the idea of a person...with a stillbirth, you are grieving the person...you have held and loved on that little person, waited months and months for that person to arrive.
They aren't the same thing at all.
I am late to this post but have to jump in to let you know that your camper is a dream of mine come true. I hope you have many wonderful adventures in it.
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