As usual, the hygienist made the usual inane conversation, and even though she knew who I was because she had read my file, she didn't know anything except that my teeth were good. She knew nothing about me, so she couldn't really make conversation with me.
My dentist, however, was another matter. He asked how the baby was going. I told him we had 4 weeks to go, and he said "But this is your second one, I mean your son Kees". He even knew his name, but obviously didn't know (or remember) that he was dead. I told him what had happened, that Kees had died and how I had come to find him. I told him that the paramedics couldn't do their job, and had failed to intubate my son for 45 minutes, which led to him having severe brain damage due to oxygen deprivation. I told him that he lived for 2 more days in the hospital before the ventilator was switched off and he died. He asked what caused it, and I told him that it was just a virus, that it had attacked his heart muscle instead of his lungs, and that it was a 1 in 40,000 chance. He was surprised at the statistics, and said so. Surprised at how common it was. That no-one knows.
And you know what? When I stopped looking down (because it's hard to say all these things), and I looked up, he was crying. I could see the tears running down his cheeks. This is a man who sees me for 10 minutes once a year, and he was crying. He said he was so sorry for me and my wife. He said that he hoped we had better luck with this one, because we deserved all the luck in the world. He told me to wish his best to my wife (I don't think he could remember exactly who she was, even though she is also a patient of his). And then my appointment was over. I hope he pulled himself together before his next customer!
Isn't it surprising that complete strangers can say the right things and close friends and family say nothing?!? Why is that? Is it that some people just have a caring attitude, and some wouldn't know how to care if their lives depended on it? Or is it just that some people, in my case my family, are complete assholes and can't see past their own "grief" to even notice that those around them are suffering a billion times more? May be I need to go to the dentist more often......
10 comments:
Craig I have been avoiding the dentist for 12 months. I was huge and pregnant last time I went. Thing is, my dentist is a lovely caring woman, too. I just don't want to have to tell her, as I know it will break her heart and probably make her cry, too. And yeah, I only see her for 15 mins once every 12 months.
You have inspired me today though. I should just make that appointment.....
ps: this was an interesting post in comparison to the hairdresser posts. Just shows some get it, some don't Some say the right things, some don't. But like you say, I wish more of those closer to us could try harder to say the right things.
You know, Craig, this story really gives me hope. I'm so encouraged to hear about empathy from unlikely places. Thank you.
I like those surprises, makes me want to give up my cynical ways (well, almost).
Seeing people cry tears for our babies means so much. The first time I saw my dentist after Liam died was awkward. She did not cry or say much of anything. But during another trip to the same office I saw DH dentist and she cried as I told Liams story and she commented on how handsome Liam was when I showed his picture. That meant the world to me.
Some people get it and some people don't.
"Isn't it surprising that complete strangers can say the right things and close friends and family say nothing?"
Yep, I don't understand it either, Craig. I just don't get it. I suspect it's because family think they are victims too and that means they don't have to comfort us...
What a wonderful man your dentist is. Yes I have found that during the difficult times in my life I was never really able to count on my family to support me. Talking about it is what is necessary as you go through the process of grieving. Sorry for your loss. I am praying that you new son will bring some joy back into your life and that he will be with you forever.
I too have been avoiding the dentist. The last time I was there was a year ago as well. I was only a few weeks from finding out if we were having a boy or a girl. The hygenist predicted that I would be having a boy. I don't have the heart or the courage to go back and tell her that my little boy is no longer here.
Hugs to you and Mirne. Praying for the healthy arrival of your little boy.
Hurray for your dentist. People like him restore a little of my faith in human nature.
I like your dentist very much so, he sounds like a very good bloke.
So glad that you encountered real compassion and interest in such an unlikely place. It's nice when people surprise you in the good ways.
Post a Comment