Not the exception

Craig and I visited some friends yesterday afternoon. They invited us a few weeks ago. To come and sit in the sun in their back garden and have dinner with them.

We arrived on time (as we always do -- I'm a bit picky about being punctual). My friend was at home, as was her 3 y.o. daughter. But her husband was out. She said he'd be home in an hour or so. He came home two hours later.

He's done this before. When we come and visit. He's either not there when we arrive, but then he comes home later, or he's there, but then he leaves. To go and do something like go to the gym (he has actually done this before when we were there - left to go to the gym).

I decided that I found this behaviour of his rather offensive. Actually. Why do they bother inviting us (for a day and time which we all agree on), if he's then not going to be there? Why?

I thought about this and decided that he probably doesn't like us (or doesn't like one of us). Otherwise why would he do this? I mean, isn't it rude to invite people round for drinks/dinner and then just not be there? I'm fairly certain he was at the gym (he came home looking freshly showered with a back-pack containing a towel and things).

My friend is a friend who I've known for about 8 years. Since before either of us were married. Since before babies and stuff. So we've both changed. She's been very sympathetic to us both since we lost Kees. Much more so than after we lost Freyja. I suspect that's because when we lost Freyja, we were living in Australia and she in Europe and Freyja wasn't "real" to her. Compared to Kees I mean. Kees was born - he was a "real" baby. Freyja wasn't born (there are actually a lot of people out there who don't think about how dead babies get out of their mothers bodies). In my friend's view Freyja wasn't a "viable" baby. This all despite the fact that of course Freyja was a perfectly healthy, viable, big baby. But there's no use trying to tell some people anything.

She believes that once this new baby is born, that everything will be ok. That everything will be normal. That our life will be peachy perfect.

She asked me yesterday if I have much stress. I said yes. She asked about what. I explained that my stress and anxiety relate to my dead children and to this baby inside me. She was confused. She thinks I should be able to "rationalise" my stress and anxiety away. That's what she does with anything and everything that causes her stress or anxiety. She doesn't get it. Not surprisingly. She's never given birth to a dead baby. She's never held a dead baby. She's never buried her child. She's never even seen a dead baby. She has no idea. Lucky, lucky her. She simply does not understand that even if I had ten living children now (which is not possible given that I'm turning 41 in a matter of days) Freyja and Kees would still be DEAD.

Yesterday she asked me about our friends. Our friends in Australia and in Europe. I explained to her that our old friend circle, the circle she knew, the one from before I was married, that circle wasn't really our circle any more. I explained that I've changed, my life has changed, it's not the same any more. I said that it's difficult to remain friends with people who send a card when your baby dies and then you don't hear anything from them any more. I said that it's hard when people pretend everything is ok. That it's not nice to be with people who think it's awkward to talk about dead babies. Who don't think of those dead babies as my CHILDREN.

She seemed quite confused by this concept. In fact, I was in the middle of telling her something about changing friendships, when her daughter demanded her attention. By the time she'd finished with her daughter, the conversation was over. She made no attempt to go back to it, and I could see it was a conscious choice on her part - she didn't want to talk about it. So I left it. She asked the question, but she wasn't really ready for the answer. The whole conversation (including her daughter's interruption) lasted less than 10 minutes.

She's a lovely girl, and she means well. But she's a fair-weather friend. I guess I've always known that, but (surprisingly) I was still disappointed when I was confronted with it yesterday.

I mentioned in one of my earlier posts that, with the exception of one or two real life friends, no real life friends remember my children's special dates. She is not one of the exceptions.