Does life equal love …?

It has been my experience that to most people in the world, a baby isn't a "real" baby until it's born. And it doesn't really count if the baby is stillborn. And it doesn't even really count if the baby dies very soon after it is born. And because that baby who was lost didn't really "live" and wasn't really a "baby", it couldn't really be loved. So there you go - this should comfort me - I couldn't have really loved my babies. And if I did love them, the feeling must go away pretty quickly. After all, they weren't really "babies".

I recently went to visit my cousin and his wife. We don't see them very often - maybe once every 18 months or so. They did not come to visit us when Kees was born. When Kees died, my mother and sister were with us (we live in the Netherlands and they live in Australia), so then my cousin and his wife and his kids (we didn't want them to bring their kids but they did anyway) did want to visit. At our request, they saw my mother and my sister only. Anyway, back to the recent visit. My cousin's wife asked me all sorts of questions about Kees' death. Regarding the autopsy results, regarding future pregnancies, etc. I was quite offended (why can't people mind their own business?). She also said that it must be harder for me having lost Kees than it was having lost Freyja. Because (as she said) we had to "care" for Kees -- you know, feeding him, changing him, bathing him, etc. I was completely horrified …

Do people think that during the pregnancy we all just pretend that nothing is happening? That there is no baby? That we're not about to become parents? That our lives aren't about to change in the most significant way?

At what point do we become parents anyway? Is it only if a LIVING child is born? Or is it only once you pass 20 weeks … 25 weeks … 30 weeks … when??? What happens if your child is born and it breathes and then it dies? When does the baby become YOUR CHILD???

(When Freyja was stillborn, my sister and her family were in Egypt. They came back to Australia for Freyja's funeral. They later made a claim on travel insurance for the cost of the tickets. The insurance company refused to pay because Freyja's death was "pregnancy-related". The insurance company did not see her death as the death of a person. If Freyja had been born alive, breathing, but had then died, I wonder if they could have used that argument?)

When do you start loving your child? Is it at conception? Is it at 12 weeks (when according to most of the world it's "safe" to do so)? Is it once you've had your 18/19/20 week scan? Is it at 20 weeks, when the Australian government says your baby is legally a "person"? What about if you don't live in Australia and the baby doesn't become a legal person until 24 weeks or later?

What about if your baby dies before it's born? What do you do then? What if your baby is born prematurely and then dies? What if your baby is born with medical problems and then it dies? Are we all supposed to just sigh and say "well, it was probably for the best" and "at least we can have another one", etc. etc? (People have actually said these things to me.)

When is it ok to love your baby?

Imagine how completely offended I was when my cousin's wife suggested that losing Kees must have been more awful than losing Freyja. UNBELIEVABLE.

When I lost my daughter, I lost my future as a mum to my little girl and I lost my chance to see my beautiful girl grow up. I lost a part of myself. I lost all these things when Kees died too. There was only one other thing that I also lost when Kees died. I lost hope.

Babies are unique. They are persons. They are born with all the necessary bits and pieces to be their own persons. They grow in our tummies as amazing little people - as a son or a daughter or a brother or a sister or a grandson or a granddaughter. Babies are not replaceable. They are not cats or dogs. You can't just bury them in the back yard when they die and then go to the shop or the shelter and pick out another one a month later. Yet that's what people say.

Do I love Freyja any less than I love Kees? Of course not. She is my daughter and her death does not change that. Every day for the rest of my life I will love her and wish that I could hold her and hug her and watch her grow and learn.