What can I worry about today?

I am a worrier. (My husband jokes that he's the "warrior" and I'm the "worrier").

I was always a worrier … right from when I was a little girl. I think it contributes to my insomnia issues (where I go to bed because I'm exhausted but the moment my head hits the pillow, I think and worry about everything).

Since I lost Freyja I worry about everything all the time. I have no confidence in anything any more. I don't trust the green man at pedestrian crossings … I make no more assumptions.

Immediately following Freyja's death, I wouldn't even go out of the house without Craig. If we went to a shopping centre and I needed to use the public toilets, we'd have to head for the disabled toilet because I couldn't be without Craig.

Even today, when we are apart, for example, when I'm in the office, and he's at home (he works from home), I worry. I worry that he might fall down the stairs and hurt himself (we live on the third, fourth and fifth floors and we have no lifts at all). I worry that when he cycles to work with me in the morning, and then cycles home by himself, that he'll get hit by a car, or otherwise hurt himself. I'm sure you're getting the idea.

I worry about everything all the time.

Late last year, before I became pregnant, we booked a cruise (a fabulous 3-week Mediterranean cruise). We are planning to go on the cruise in less than 5 weeks. We've been looking forward to it soooo much!! Well, a couple of days ago I was surfing the cruise website and suddendly I noticed that they had a restriction on pregnant women travelling. Any woman who will be 24 weeks pregnant (or more) at any time during the booked cruise will not be allowed to embark.

So of course now I'm worrying. Because I will be 25 weeks at embarkation and 28 weeks at disembarkation. It never ocurred to me that this might be a problem. My pregnancy is fine … I have all the usual risks (plus my nightmare history) but I have no known physical risks associated with my pregnancy.

Of course I'm worrying!

I'm thinking of just lying. I can easily do that -- change my due date by 4 weeks. I will happily fake a letter from my doctor giving my fake due date. I don't have any problems doing that -- except it will not sit well on my conscience.

The problem is that this sort of stuff just worries me. It eats away at me. Craig knows that so he's going to ring the American cruise office today (they are likely to be more sympathetic to our situation) to try and sort something out.

We are both pissed off too because when we booked the cruise there was NO warning or check the box or anything which notified the booking passenger/s about the pregnancy restrictions. Why on earth would I automatically think "oh yes, they won't let me on board because I'm pregnant!!" I am allowed to fly around the world at 28 weeks, so why wouldn't I be able to float on a huge luxury 5 star hotel for a few weeks??

So I'm worrying.

I worry about the new baby too -- every day -- every waking minute of the day (I often wish that I could just go to sleep for the next 4 months). The worry is there all the time -- I guess that is why my blood pressure gets checked regularly. During my pregnancy with Kees, my blood pressure went up significantly at the 23 week mark. It seems that as I get closer to the 25 week mark, my body and my mind subconsciously realise that there's a viable baby in there. So then everything starts to freak me out. Work, traffic, rude people, demanding family, insensitive doctors, you name it.

Unfortunately the Netherlands has rather antiquated attitudes to pregnancy and child-birth. Do a Google search and the search will confirm it. They're not a medically progressive society. The view here is that if something has been done for 100 years in a particular way than that's good enough. If your mother did it this way, that way will be good enough for you. In the medical profession, there's not a whole lot of sensitivity to someone in my position. Actually, there's no sensitivity. And that all contributes to my worrying.

I worry about everything.

What am I worrying about today?
** whether my husband cycled home safely … which he did, because I spoke with him.
** whether we can sort this cruise problem out. This is a biggie -- this cruise was very expensive … if we can't sort it out, we're not likely to get much, if any, of our money back.
** and this new baby of course … I worry about the new baby all the time. I worry about myself if this new baby doesn't survive … I worry about Craig if this new baby doesn't survive. I worry about our future life together if this new baby doesn't survive.

I hope we get this cruise situation sorted out.