The suggestion has been made to me (by several people) that I should be "grateful" for the time I had with Freyja and Kees. I have several problems with this suggestion.
I'd like to know who I'm supposed to be "grateful" to? Is there someone out there who arranged all this? Someone who arranged for Freyja and Kees to be here for the short time that they were? If so, I'd like to ask that person why Freyja and Kees could only be with us for such a short time … was there a particular reason for this?
The obvious response of course is: God. Well that opens a completely new can of worms which I'm not ready to blog about today. Needless to say, if there is a God, I hope that I'll be able to have words with him one day because I am one very angry mum!!
But that's what people say to me: be grateful.
What am I supposed to be grateful for? Oh yeah. At least I got to be pregnant. I got to enjoy my pregnancies (right .....). I got to have Kees for 7 whole weeks. WHOOPEE. I am overwhelmed with JOY. Not.
I can honestly say that although I love both my babies with all my heart, I think my heart would have been better off without them. I can honestly say to you that the GRIEF that I will carry with me for the REST OF MY LIFE far outweighs any joy that I had whilst my babies were with me. I can honestly say that the changes which their deaths have brought about (in me, in my relationships with people, etc) are not for the "better".
There is no doubt in my heart and my mind that my life would be MUCH BETTER if I had:
(i) not given birth to my two beautiful babies, or
(ii) had to bury them.
I've thought about this a lot.
My young cousin died last year. Very unexpectedly. He had a pulmonary embolism (blood clot). He was a healthy 27 year old. He got out of bed one morning and dropped dead - literally. My uncle was overwhelmed with grief (of course) - his only child had died. But my uncle has memories of a life time. My cousin's life time but also his own life time. He has 27 years worth of memories to remember his son by. He would never say to anyone now that he wishes his son had not been born. He would never say that his life would have been better without his son to share it with.
I don't have any of that. Kees' seven weeks are his life time. But they are not my life time. My life time is going to be one in which grief will accompany me every step of the way. As for Freyja, well she didn't really get to have a life time at all. People argue whether she "lived" at all (given that she was stillborn). I suspect my life time will always be clouded by the grief which I will feel for these two beautiful children who should have lived to bury me and my husband.
"Grateful?" I think not.
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the latest addition to our family
with a diamond each for Freyja, Kees & Jet
our beautiful first-born, Freyja
gorgeous Kees, a week before he died
our sweet boy Jet
Welcome to this blog. This blog is a place where we can express thoughts and feelings ... maybe to share them with other like-minded people. For those who are NOT like-minded (and we've seen a few comments), please will you just leave? Your lack of understanding of our situation in life is not welcome. Please take your words and go elsewhere. For those who may accidentally stumble across this blog AND who know us in real life, please contact us directly to see how we are doing. Do not rely on this blog to inform you. Thanks!
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the Ferry cat
the latest addition to our family
Wedding rings
with a diamond each for Freyja, Kees & Jet
Our beautiful daughter Freyja Ione: stillborn at 28 weeks on 25 July 2006
our beautiful first-born, Freyja
Our beautiful son Kees Henry: born (full-term) on 1 February 2008, died on 21 March 2008
gorgeous Kees, a week before he died
Our beautiful son Jethro Craig Wilhelm: born (full-term) 29 August 2009, died 1 September 2009
our sweet boy Jet
6 comments:
I wont ever say you have to be grateful. What for indeed? I'm holding you in my heart Mirne. You have had to endure far too much. Its just not fair.
Sally
Be "grateful" for the enduring hole in our hearts, the sinking pain in our stomachs and the stress, trauma and loss that has occured because of our babys outcome, the lifechanging effect that it has had...sorry but do they have they any idea what they are suggesting when they say this...the comment made to me recently was perhaps the Universe brought Harry into your life to teach you something and you are stronger for it.. in no way am I stronger I feel like I have been in a train crash with missing limbs...I would of preferred to pay for a course to teach me things, why do they insist on saying these things Mirne, can they walk in your shoes for just one day to understand, particularly as you have endured so much as Sally says... loving your blog..
Anyone who says you should be grateful are truly the ones that should be grateful...grateful that they don't realize how shitty and painful their words are. That they have no f***ing idea what the grief from losing their own child is like. They should be grateful. So grateful that they should shut their face. Sorry, I am angry today. Sending you much love, Mirne.
Lou, you're quite right - I know exactly how it feels - train crash is a good description. But the problem is -- other people have NO CLUE. So they just say what they think is "right".
Angie, you can be angry if you like. I'm angry about something just about every day now. It's difficult not to be angry :-(
And to add to Lou's comment about not feeling stronger.... I actually feel weaker for the whole experience. I fought tooth and nail to be the outgoing, successful business woman that I was. Now I feel I've done the full circle, back to the shy, introvert high school dork! With no will power to regain any of what I had. It so doesn't matter to me anymore.
Bir - I think I feel exactly the same sometimes. Like I've gone full circle. Like I was finally starting to stand up and Life or God or whatever said "No, not you. You don't get to stand up. You get back on your belly".
Mirne - I have no idea why people would say such a thing. They really have no right at all to tell you how to feel. How dare they.
And it is a life time of grief, I also feel it will pervade the rest of my days. Thank you for writing this post, it was such an interesting reflection.
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