My son, Kees, was born in the Netherlands, but when he died we took him back to Australia so that he could be buried next to his sister, Freyja.
We sent out random emails and text messages to friends and family to let them know what we were doing and when and where the funeral was. I didn't keep track of who we told and who we didn't. We had too much to organise.
Kees' funeral was very different to Freyja's. When Freyja died, Craig and I decided we wanted a "family only" funeral. That caused all sorts of upsets which still haven't been resolved today (nearly 3 years later).
For Kees we just had an open invite funeral. Anyone could come. (Some people were notably absent - in particular those whose noses were out of joint because they weren't "allowed" to come to Freyja's funeral.) And of course friends and family from Europe were not at Kees' funeral.
When I arrived back in the Netherlands, after Kees' funeral, my closest friend said to me: "I heard the funeral was very emotional. I heard that the priest cried also." That's what she said. She had heard this from mutual friends in Australia who had been able to attend the funeral.
I was flabbergasted!!
Firstly, surely any funeral is emotional? Death is an awful thing, it is so final. The deceased is someone's loved one - even if you are not close to the deceased, but maybe are close to a relative of the deceased, how can you not realise the terrible emotions that are in play?
Secondly, this is my BEST FRIEND who is saying this - to me! She has seen me lose TWO CHILDREN. She has seen my life fall apart. She has seen me fall apart. What was she thinking?? (We are not friends any more.)
Thirdly, she is giving an opinion without knowing all the facts. The "priest" was in fact the local funeral director. His name is Andrew. He also organised Freyja's funeral for us. He is special - his wife also lost two babies. His two babies were both stillborn at around 20 weeks. Fortunately for him and his wife, they also have three living children. Any parent who has lost a child will understand why he also shed tears at the funeral of my son. He cried for his lost children as well as my lost children.
Is there such a thing as a funeral which is not emotional???
Wednesday, April 15, 2009
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3 comments:
It is that whole baby thing. I guess people really must think we love them less or they are less of a real person. It is not just the loss of our babies, it is the loss of our hopes and dreams for their future and in our cases the loss of our (active) motherhood.
I cannot begin to imagine what she was thinking either. It really sounds like she forgot that you were the mother of the deceased. People are really just so oblivious as to what they say that they just say the first damn thing that pops into their brain. ((hugs)) i wish we didn't have to find out this way which friends are emotionally stunted.
It has been 15 yrs Sept 11 that I lost my 7 month old nephew,,grief dose not get easier,as the years go by To me they seem to get harder with all the what if's that plays in mind all the time.Years later we still cry and miss our baby Justin was our world and to this day still is
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