Rage and rambles

The other day (yesterday????) I thought things were going a bit back to "normal" again. I was wrong.

Last night I had a bad night. I slept badly. I woke up several times. I couldn't get back to sleep again. I had nightmares. I felt like my blood was boiling or about to spurt out of me. I felt full of rage even though I was "asleep" or supposed to be asleep. I felt totally stressed. How is that normal? Quite simply, it's not.

I don't know what to do about this rage. This violence which is stuck inside me.

I'm angry at the world. At the doctors. At my crappy family. At my crappy friends. At everyone.

I hate going out. I hate going to the shop and seeing all those people going about their lives. I hate listening to people on the street talking about nothing, about crappy, unimportant things. I'm completely over rude, arrogant Dutch people who walk so that they deliberately bump into you. I hate being snubbed by young shop girls who think they're too good for their job. I can't stand it. And I just want to respond with rage.

When I see mums and their kids on the street, I want to scream. When I see parents smoking with kids hanging around, I want to scream. When I see pregnant women, I want to scream. When I see young couples, holding hands, their lives before them, I want to scream.

Basically I'm just filled with rage. And I don't know what to do about it.

I miss Freyja. I miss Kees. I miss Jet. I miss the life I would have lived with one or two or all of them. I miss being able to see them grow. I hate it that I will never know what they would look like. What they would be like. Whether they would be like me, or like Craig. That I will never know ANYTHING more about them. I can't stand it.

I hate it that people treat us like lepers. I hate it that people who were so upset about Kees' death, haven't even contacted us about Jet. I hate it.

I hate it that I can't cope with even the smallest things. That even the stupid leak in my ceiling (the subject of several previous posts) causes me to completely stress out. I hate it.

I can't stand it that some people are finding it so "difficult" to cope with Jet's death, that they don't have time for us. That Jet's death is so traumatic for them, that they don't have the inclination or energy to think of us. I want to bash those people. I want to bash their heads in. How dare they? How dare they be so bloody selfish? Can't they remember that Jet is OUR SON??? How is it possible that this escapes their mind???

We haven't seen or heard from Craig's two sisters since before Kees' funeral. Neither of them attended Kees' funeral. After Jet died, when Craig was talking to his mother on the phone, she said to him that one of his sisters was writing a card (WTF???) and the other didn't know how to approach him (WTF???). She suggested that perhaps he should call her. WTF??? Who are all these fucking selfish people??? Craig should call his sister because she doesn't know how to approach him? What about simply calling him on the phone and saying sorry??? Selfish bloody bitch. We never got a call or a card. We got nothing. Not one single thing from either of his sisters to say they were sorry about Jet.

I had a friend visiting me the other day. The one who looked after our cat Blair whilst we were travelling. I said to her that none of our mutual friends had contacted me. Not one. Most of these mutual friends are ex-colleagues of mine. She still works with them. She suggested maybe I should ring them and tell them that it's ok to contact me. WTF??? I should call them? Where do people get these ideas from??? Since when does a bereaved person call people to tell them it's ok to call??

What is happening in the world? When did people become so selfish??

I was looking on face.book yesterday. I culled a lot of people who were "friends" last year, following Kees' death. So sometimes I cheat and I log on as Craig and check on some of the ex-friends. My brother is an ex-friend. He had a status update some time ago about Jet's death. Some of his friends responded. Including our cousin's wife, who made a comment about how she and her husband were "thinking of you (meaning my brother) and your family (meaning my parents and siblings) and especially Mirne and Craig". WTF???? "Especially Mirne and Craig" ... what does that mean? Wasn't Jet OUR SON??? I feel like I need to wear a t-shirt to remind people. I feel like people are kidnapping the memory of MY CHILDREN. I want to scream at them. This is all I have left of my children, and it feels like people are taking it from me.

Two people call us regularly. My sister L, the missionary. She calls pretty much every couple of days. Except when she's too busy with her life and her three kids. She has a life. And my mum, except when she's telling me how to feel, in which case I hang up on her or she hangs up on me. Which happens quite regularly. But they're both up to their old tricks again. They ring. Craig answers the phone. They ask for me. They don't speak to him first. They don't ask him how he's going. They don't bother to talk to him. Like somehow Jet was more my son than his. This will be the THIRD TIME I'm going to have this conversation with them. Once after Freyja's death. Once after Kees' death. And now again. You think people would remember.

Today is four weeks since Jet was born. Four weeks.