Meaningless (but hurtful) prattle

People are always full of bits of wisdom when something happens to someone else. I've noticed this over the last few years. They say the most inane things to you ... probably because they don't know what else to say. But quite frankly ... I'm over it. I don't want people to say anything to me that they don't think about first.

Really, really stupid stuff. Like:

"... it was probably for the best".

(huh???? how??? whose best??? maybe I should say that to the next person who suffers a bereavement - "oh, it was probably for the best". how can it ever be "for the best" if a child dies? how can it ever be for the best for a parent to have to bury their child? how???)

"... at least you can have another baby".

(is this supposed to make me feel better? i might have another baby, but will it live? and (let's face it) that new baby will never ever in a million years replace his/her big brother or sister ... from experience i can tell you that another baby does not make you feel better about the one that's lost to you.)

"... at least you know you can get pregnant".

(what??? how is this a comfort AT ALL??? getting pregnant is always the easy part for me. being pregnant does not necessarily mean I'll get a living breathing child. and let's face it -- being pregnant is not a great experience at the best of times ... certainly not if you've suffered all those discomforts and indignities to then not even be able to (actively) parent your child ...)

"... don't let it make you bitter".

(nnnnnooooo ... bitter? never. in fact, i rejoiced when my babies died, and I thought "well, at least I can have another one". of course i am bitter. how can i not be bitter? if someone knows how not to be bitter, please let me know.)

"...I know how you must feel. my grandmother died recently".

(right, and your grandmother was how old? oh yes, 75 years old. you must know exactly how i feel. burying an old woman who has lived her life, has made her choices and used her opportunities. yep, that compares to burying a baby who didn't get a chance to live his/her life.)

"...we were too sad, that's why we didn't call".

(selfish selfish selfish people. how dare they even say this to anyone who has lost a child.)

And then when you're pregnant with a child after your loss, people come up and say stuff like:

"I'm sure this time will be fine - your baby will be perfect!"

(inane reassurances which are meaningless and just serve to remind you that ABSOLUTELY NO-ONE IS IN CONTROL and that nothing you do will make any difference. oh, and by the way, my baby was perfect, she was just born dead!)

"make sure you enjoy this pregnancy."

(why? what will happen if i'm not happy? will it bother YOU??)

"don't get too anxious/worried/stressed, because it's not good for the baby."

(that's the last thing we need to hear from well-meaning but stupid people -- that something we did or didn't do might somehow have harmed our babies ...)

I accepted comments like this after Freyja died. After all, people "mean well" and you don't want to "rock the boat" and you don't want to be "rude" and really they "don't understand". Right. I can tell you now, I was so pissed that I had to listen to all this sort of stuff that after Kees died I made a conscious decision that no-one was going to get away with saying stupid, meaningless words to me or my husband - and it was not an excuse that they didn't know what else to say.

Meaningless prattle can actually be quite hurtful. Really, all those well-meaning (but totally insensitive) words - and in response all you really want to do is bash the person around the head for opening their mouth in the first place.