"Congratulations"

A young colleague walked up to me this morning in the office and said to me, "May I congratulate you on your pregnancy?" and she said it with a big smile on her face. I said to her that really, I'd rather she wait with her congratulations until we saw what happened at this end of this pregnancy. Because, as I said, there are no guarantees and we've already buried two children.

Why, oh why, is it that EVERYONE (excluding other babyloss mamas/papas) thinks that just because a babyloss mama is pregnant again, she has "gotten over" her loss(es), or it will help her get over her loss. Why?

Are these people really so insensitive as to think for even a second that I must be "better" and "ready to move on" and that's why I'm pregnant again???

And why, oh why, are they all so convinced that this pregnancy will end differently from the others? Do they know something I don't?

Don't they realise that if Freyja had lived, the likelihood of my having any further pregnancies would have been greatly diminished? Kees might not have existed and it is extremely likely that this third pregnancy would not have happened. I don't think these thoughts occur to them.

Doesn't it cross their minds that if I already had a living child, I might not be putting myself through ALL THIS AGAIN??? I mean, really, how many mums/dads do you know who, if they already had a living child, but then buried two babies, would try again???? If we had a living child there is NO WAY that I would put myself through this again after having buried two children. NO WAY.

I visited my dentist about a month ago -- just for a check up. She knows my pregnancy history. I told her I was pregnant with my third. She gave me the usual congratulations, I responded with the usual, "There are no guarantees". Then she said, "Will you try to adopt if this doesn't work?" I was quite at a loss of what to say. She said it to me as if adoption was the logical next step. As if it was part of a process. As if it was natural. I have nothing against adoption at all. But it's not what we want. I want a child who is a brother/sister to Freyja and Kees. I want a child who is a part of me. This is not a "process". There is no logical next step. In fact, there is nothing logical about any of this.

There is no plan here. There is no logic. There is no next step. When a baby dies, there is just an end. An end to so many things. And usually whatever happens next is not something that is "planned" or something that is "logical". There is no "next" step.

When a baby dies there is grief, grief and more grief. There is loss and more loss … loss of hope, loss of love, loss of trust, loss of future, loss of self, loss of relationships, loss of confidence, the list is almost endless. Then, if we're fortunate, there is re-building. A re-building of a new life within the reality and boundaries of our loss.

A new living baby will never make up for what I have lost -- a living baby may give me hope and a new future as the parent of a living child -- but congratulations aren't necessary.

In fact, I wonder whether I'll ever be in a frame of mind to accept congratulations for this pregnancy - no matter what the outcome. I know that I wouldn't be pregnant with this third child if my first and second children weren't dead and buried.

Somehow congratulations don't seem appropriate.