Where was God?

I got a letter from my uncle yesterday. His only child, his son, died last year. His son (my cousin) was 27 years old and died very unexpectedly. He got up in the morning, had a seizure and died almost instantly. The autopsy showed that he had a blood clot.

I wrote a letter to my uncle earlier this year to tell him how sad I was about my cousin, how sad I was (and still am) for him, and how I understand what it is like to lose a child.

Yesterday (five months after I sent the letter) I received his response.

It appears my uncle has been "born again". He is now a fervent God supporter. The entire letter (one page typed A4) is all about how it is "Gods will" and how we should "trust God" and how "God knows best" and how his son (and my children) are in a "better place" where we will "join them one day". I'm not joking. The. Entire. Letter.

My husband found the letter to be rather offensive. I, on the other hand, just wanted to throw it in the bin.

You see I know all about fervent God supporters. I was born into a family of fervent God supporters (and so was my husband). My parents were members of a very strict and conservative protestant church. As children and teenagers we were all dragged to church twice every Sunday. We learned our bibles, our doctrine, our theology. Even today, when I am no longer a fervent God supporter, I can argue doctrine and theology with the best of them.

Although I really only stopped going to church regularly in my mid 20's, and really only stopped being a fervent God supporter after Kees died, I always had problems with Christianity. Even when I was a teenager. In our church, many young people "professed their faith" at about age 18 and then became fully fledged members of that church. I was no different. However, I had questions. Questions that the leadership of that church could never really answer to my satisfaction. For instance, what about women in church leadership? What about gay church members? What about the exclusivity of that church? Questions which were never answered and which today I know they will never be able to answer.

To give you an idea of the kind of fervent God supporters my family are:

** my father is a lay preacher at his local church and he is the chaplain at the local district hospital;

** one of my sisters and her husband are full-time Christian missionaries with an international organisation (for which they are paid no money - it is entirely voluntary - they are "sponsored" by others); and

** my brother was a pastor in several churches for about 12 years before he came out of the closet and told us he was gay.

This is my family of fervent God supporters.

My uncle obviously finds comfort in the bible's promises. Interestingly, until his son died, he was a lapsed Catholic. And I mean "lapsed". I don't think that man set foot in a church more than once a year (if that) for the last 40 years or so .... maybe for weddings and funerals. But now he really believes that his son is with God in heaven. That it was God's will that his son died. That his son's allocated time on this world was up because God deemed it so.

The church in which I was brought up believes in the doctrine of "predestination". Basically, that means that God has already decided and knows exactly who will be part of his "crowd" -- you know, that crowd of chosen people who will join God in heaven. Predestination means that God knows all about you before you are born - he knows everything about you (including your end and when you will join him). I always thought "predestination" was a bunch of crap because it ignored one very vital thing - free will. And there are many people who agree with me about free will because many other churches don't choose the doctrine of predestination to form part of their beliefs.

After Freyja died, some conservative Christian friends (who believe in predestination) said to me that Freyja had lived her "predetermined" time on earth. That God had already decided before she was ever conceived that she would live in my womb only for 28 weeks and then die. I could have hit them for saying such a thing. But they truly believed that such a "truth" would comfort me ... I wonder if it would comfort them if one (or more) of their four beautiful boys died?

You see the problem with the idea of predestination is that supposedly God gave humans free will. Supposedly God wants humans to "choose" him. How can a person who is on the point of death, who has either (i) never heard of God, or (ii) deliberately not chosen for God, then die and go to heaven?? All on the basis of predestination? Doesn't work. I know for a fact that my cousin NEVER EVER went to church. He thought all religion was ridiculous and a waste of time. He did not believe in God. I know this for a fact. But my uncle believes that he is in heaven.

I spoke to my sister (the missionary) about this. I said that I didn't believe for one second that my cousin, in his last conscious second(s) of life, suddenly came to understand the "truth" about God and redemption and forgiveness. I said that I thought my uncle's belief was mistaken. She said to me that as long as the thought gave my uncle comfort, that's all that mattered. (That was a fairly stunning statement from my fundamentalist bible-bashing sister ...) The same sister has also said to me on several occasions that my cousin and my children don't belong in that cemetery on the hill ... my children belong in my arms, and my cousin belongs with his father and his girlfriend. The way things are now is not the way things should be. That's what she said. (Obviously that's also what I believe.)

Which brings me to "God's plan".

For some stupid reason, some people think that it might comfort us (the bereaved parents) to know that our children's death is part of "God's plan". Right.

What. A. Bunch. Of. Crap.

Or of course there's the other comfort -- the one that says God is not responsible for the "bad" things that happen in the world. Those bad things happen either because of (i) the Devil, or (ii) man's flawed character. Because of course God only does "good" things and cannot be "blamed" for bad things.

Perhaps we should remember that God is described in the bible as "omniscient, omnipresent and omnipotent". In every-day English, that means God is all-knowing, all-present and all-powerful. That means God KNOWS EVERYTHING, he is EVERYWHERE and he can DO ANYTHING. The bible promises us that God can beat the Devil. God can overcome ALL EVIL. In fact, the bible promises that those who believe (in God) need only ask, and God will give.

What. A. Bunch. Of. Crap.

I never asked for much. For the safety and protection of my family. Doesn't everyone do that? For the forgiveness of my sins. That's pretty normal too. And of course for the lives of my children. But I never heard from God about that.

Or maybe I did.

Maybe it was "God's will" and part of his "plan" that my children die. Maybe he did answer my prayers but he just didn't give me the answer I wanted. Because of course we are taught that God ALWAYS answers prayers. (My missionary sister tells me that ALL HER PRAYERS are answered by God.) Perhaps God knew that my children would die, and because it was part of his plan (predestined if you will) he let it happen.

Remember, God knows EVERYTHING, he is EVERYWHERE and he can DO ANYTHING. That means he knew what was happening, he heard my prayers, he could have saved my children's lives. But he didn't.

I could write a book on this -- referencing everything with appropriate bible verses (I really do know my theology and doctrine). But there's no point. It won't stop people saying stupid things to me and my husband.

Things like "at least Freyja and Kees are in a better place". WRONG. The best place for Freyja and Kees is in the arms of their parents. And anyone who argues against that will probably get a slap around the head.

Or "you will see them again in heaven". I don't believe my children are in heaven. Because I don't believe in an all-knowing, all-present, all-powerful God. The God I believed in was a benevolent, loving and kind God. But obviously that God doesn't exist.

There's the old stand-by, "it must be part of God's plan". Why on earth I should feel comforted by that one is completely beyond me! I wonder if this third child inside me is part of that plan too ... will he die too???

My mum recently said to me that she would pray for this baby. I said that seemed like a waste of time because all our previous prayers were useless - Freyja and Kees still died. But mum said she would "pray that this child living would fit in with God's plan". So she believes that my child's life (or death) has already been determined by God. That's what she's praying for. She's not praying for a healthy long life for my baby son. She's praying that a life (any life) for my baby son will be part of God's plan. So I guess she will accept a death as part of the plan too. I could hit her, but she lives on the other side of the world, so she's lucky.

My thoughts about God these days can be summed up as follows:

(i) God is omniscient, omnipresent and omnipotent and can save lives at will; or

(ii) God has a plan, and my children living is not part of it; or

(iii) God is NOT omniscient, omnipresent and omnipotent; or

(iv) God simply doesn't care; or

(v) God does not exist.

Whichever way I look at it, my children are dead, and God didn't do anything about it.

Maybe Douglas Adams was right in his book series "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy". Maybe the Earth was created as part of an experiment to find the solution to a burning question. Maybe we should be looking to mice, instead of to God.