Meant to be

That's one of those statements that gets bandied around a lot: "if it's meant to be …" or "maybe it's just not meant to be".

The people who say this to me must assume that such a concept gives me comfort or assurance. As if it's out of my hands and it's already been decided and I should accept whatever happens knowing that "it's meant to be". Hmmmph.

I don't agree with these sorts of statements at all. I never assume that something is "meant to happen" or not. I believe that people make their own choices in life. I believe that circumstances and events lead us to certain choices. I believe that babies dying are generally not the result of an event or circumstance (obviously there are exceptions).

I will always believe that my daughter Freyja should be here with me now. She was born (and died) when I was 28 weeks pregnant. She weighed 1.4 kg. She was about 40 cm long. She would have lived if only she had been born as a preemie. There was nothing physically wrong with her. Someone saying to me "It wasn't meant to be" is not helpful. In fact, it really just wants to make me hit them! What do they mean anyway? It wasn't meant to be …

My son Kees was born alive and healthy. He was induced at 37 weeks, and was a healthy 3.5 kg and 52 cm long. No physical problems whatsover. Only he died 7 weeks later from a freak virus which attacked his heart and caused it to stop. In other babies, that same virus would attack their lungs and cause them to have a cold and get the sniffles. But no, my son had to be the one baby in 40,000 who was affected in this way and who died as a result. Meant to be???? I bloody think not!

Maybe people mean that if something happens which you can't do anything about it must have been "meant to be". But then in the same situation (where a baby is seriously ill) and the doctors are able to save that baby, people also say "it was meant to be".

I can tell you now that my son died because his brain was deprived from oxygen for too long a period. And that happened because whilst the paramedics were working on him, they could not intubate him properly. It took them over 40 minutes to intubate him. During that time they did (sporadic) CPR on him which obviously was not sufficient to keep his brain functioning properly. (If I wanted to, I could blame them, and sometimes in my nightmares, I do. I blame them. But it's all a bit useless now isn't it? Assigning blame after the death is a waste of time. He's gone and that's all that matters.) Babies get horrible viruses all the time, but they don't always die you know. Mostg of the time they end up in hospital (maybe in NICU) but they live. I guess that was all "meant to be" too.

So how come people feel that it's ok to say to me, a mother of two dead babies, that it was all "meant to be"? Where do they get the nerve to say this to me???

I told a friend recently that I am pregnant. She was very happy and excited for me, and (as usual) seemed convinced that this baby would be "the one" (she was convinced that Kees was the one too). I reminded her that nothing was guaranteed and that we were reserving our happiness and would wait and see. She said to me: "Well if this baby doesn't live, I guess it wasn't meant to be".

What does that mean? Does it mean that I wasn't meant to have any children? Because of course it's too late for that, I already have children - they are just not alive. Does it mean that I was always meant to have dead children?? Does it mean that no matter what I do (or don't do) the outcome would have always been the same???

I don't believe in fate. I don't believe in karma. I don't believe that my future has already been determined. I have never believed that.

I dislike it intensely that my mother will pray to her god that this time our child will live. I reminded her that prayer didn't help or work with Freyja or Kees, but she says instead that "she will pray that this child living will fit in with god's plans for this child". As if my child's life or death has already been determined -- by something out there (whether it be god or fate or what). I don't believe that. That means that I could abuse this pregnancy in whatever way I wanted to (by drugs, alcohol, etc) and it would make no difference to the outcome. It would mean that this child's fate has already been decided. I will not believe that.

It was not meant to be that Freyja never got to take her first breath. It was not meant to be that her brother joined her in the grave at the age of 7 weeks. It was not meant to be that I suffer this heart ache every day for the rest of my life. It was not meant to be that I see my gorgeous husband suffer every day for the rest of his life. These things were never meant to be.

Do people even know what they're saying when they say these bloody stupid things????