Last week Craig and I were in Brussels for a couple of days. It was lovely. We stayed at a gorgeous hotel right in the centre of the old city. Of course it was a long weekend so the city was very busy, but we loved it. The weather was great and we got to see what we had planned to see despite leaving our Lonely Planet at home by accident!
One of those mornings I was sitting in our hotel room, and I felt the baby boy inside me wriggle around.
It's always such a lovely feeling -- feeling that life inside me. But it's also such a scary feeling. Because every time I feel him inside me, I fear that it might be the last time. I sat and cried that morning.
This pregnancy was almost easier for me in those weeks before I felt him move. Because then I wasn't constantly waiting for his every movement. I wasn't imagining a dead baby inside me every moment that I didn't feel him move.
Today I was at the cinema with Craig and I suddenly realised I hadn't felt my baby boy move for a while. So then I spent the remainder of my time in the cinema worrying that my child had died inside me. (When we got home Craig doppled me and found our baby's heartbeat.)
These days are fairly typical of my days now. I am relieved when I can feel my baby boy moving inside me, and I am full of fear when I don't.
Some people recommend that I "relax and enjoy" this pregnancy. Mmm ... I think not.
I'm counting down the days and taking it one day at a time.
4 comments:
Yes, next time I hear relax and enjoy I might punch someone in the face.
As someone just said to me, our fear is just a mirror image of our love. It is only natural to be shit scared right now. I'm there with you.
I had a doppler day the other day, was at work and baby was quiet I was fearful it's such an awful feeling that loss of innocence we have now in PG, Brussels sounds great, Jase and I got lost driving in Brussels through the tunnel, it was like a Mr Bean scene!!! I love your wedding rings with the two diamonds in them for Freya and Kees - very beautiful xx
PS PFFT to anyone that says try and relax, it's a bit like saying try and relax whilst you are walking a 400 ft tightrope without a safety net...
Oh my, I am forever poking this baby to make sure he's still with me. Thank goodness he's a mover.
I have no room in my life for people who can't understand that this current pregnancy is full of fear. Do people really think that our memories are so short that we've forgotten what happened last time?! It's maddening.
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