Is blood thicker than water?

I got married when I was 37 years old. My husband was also 37. (We were born in the same year, one day apart -- I am the older by several hours.)

Until my husband and I got together, I had never had any serious boyfriends. I couldn't be bothered. I never met the right man. I was caught up in my career, my life, my travels. I was content. As a result I was very close with my immediate family.

I am the oldest of four children. My parents were very young when I was born, and I was always very close to them. My siblings are my sister L (who is one year younger and is a full-time missionary), my brother F (who is three years younger) and my sister J (who is eight years younger).

Surprisingly, my relationships with these siblings changed significantly when I got married. Actually even before then. When I first got together with my gorgeous man.

I should explain that my entire family was DESPERATE for me to find a man. They were all convinced that if I found the right man, my life would be perfect. (Actually they were partly right: I found the right man, but unfortunately my life is far from perfect.)

So when Craig turned up on the scene, my parents and my siblings all pushed me towards him. (Except my brother, who simply is not interested in what I do, and my father, because I think he realises I'm old enough to know what I want.)

So you'd think they'd be over the moon when Craig and I moved in together and then announced that we were getting married. Right? Wrong. Suddenly their advice to me was: "don't rush into anything" or "maybe he's not the right man for you". Mmm ...

I worked it out eventually. An idea which had seemed perfect in their heads, wasn't really perfect (for them) in practice. You see, a having a smart, educated, professional, single daughter/sister is quite convenient. But I stopped being that when I found Craig. Suddenly, my priorities were completely different. They stopped being my priorities ... Craig (and I) became my priorities instead.

Then, to top it all off, I got pregnant. This was a great shock to everyone (including Craig and myself) because Craig had testicular cancer 10+ years ago and was therefore not going to father any children. Or so we thought. (We're now growing our third baby.) So this suddenly meant that I had ANOTHER priority. A baby. Suddenly I wasn't the sister who could look after the kids at the drop of a hat, or take the kids to football/athletics/netball at the crack of dawn on a Saturday morning, or the daughter who'd be good for a loan. You get the idea.

The dynamics of my family life was DIFFERENT. And no-one ever really got a chance to get used to that difference, because then our first bomb went off. Freyja was stillborn.

I don't have to explain to any babylost mamas/papas how radically such an event changes you. And your life. Forever. Unfortunately no-one else understands that.

Craig and I chose to have a private "family-only" funeral for Freyja. That means direct family only. Like our parents and siblings only. No-one else. (My mother kept asking if some of the old ladies of her church could come, and I kept having to say no ... she did not get it.)

My sister J (the youngest one) had divorced her husband about a year earlier. She was going out with a new man. Actually he was my ex house-mate. A guy who was one of my best friends as we'd shared a house together for three years. However, Craig and I didn't count him as family, so he was not "invited" to Freyja's funeral. (Talk about opening a can of worms ... I wonder if I'd known then what the outcome of that "decision" would be, whether I'd still have made it.)

My sister J was very unhappy with this (our) "decision". Actually she came to Freyja's funeral with a face that could have killed me in an instant (if I'd let it), and gave everyone filthy looks during the entire proceeding. For the following few days she continued this behaviour.

We left a few days after Freyja's funeral, back to our apartment in Melbourne. (Freyja is buried in the Adelaide Hills, as is her brother Kees.)

My sister L and her husband and children had been in Cairo, Egypt, when they heard that Freyja had died. They flew back to Australia to attend Freyja's funeral. By chance they were flying back to Cairo at the same time that we were flying back to Melbourne. So the whole clan was at the airport. Including J and her new man. But her new man (my good friend) ignored me. He also ignored Craig. When we were all saying goodbye, J said goodbye to me, but she deliberately ignored Craig. Her new man (my good friend) completely ignored me and Craig. He and J hugged and kissed everyone else, but ignored us.

I often go through this in my mind. This is what happened during that week:

** My child had died. Craig's child had died.

** I had carried this child for six and a half months. A beautiful daughter, known to everyone as Freyja since my 20 week scan when we found out we had a baby girl.

** Freyja died inside me.

** I gave birth to a dead baby girl. My dead baby girl.

** Craig and I chose and made arrangements for our baby daughter's funeral.

** And J and her snotty man were "upset".

Right.

That was 2 years and 10 months ago today. Since Freyja died. And since that time, J's snotty man (my ex-good friend) has sent us ONE CARD. After our son Kees died. The card was addressed to me (not to me and Craig) and in that card he had written that he had "cried many tears for me".

Right.

Well. That makes everything ok then, doesn't it?

J apologised to me when I confronted her after Kees died. I told her exactly how petty her complaints were and how rude, insensitive and just plain selfish her behaviour had been. (She and her new man had come to our wedding and not given us a gift -- they were unhappy about my choice of husband.) J came to Kees' funeral. Kees' funeral was very different from Freyja's. Kees' funeral was open to anyone who wanted to come. We didn't "invite" anyone. We just told the world in general what day and what time the funeral would be. A notice was put in the newspaper. There were no invitations. However, I did tell J that if her man wanted to come, he had to apologise for his behaviour first. He did not apologise. He did not come to Kees' funeral. He was "at home" (because I asked J). A number of weeks after Kees' funeral we received his card. The card which was addressed to me. Not to Craig and me ... just to me.

My sister J used to be one of my very best friends. The eight years difference in age never really mattered much once we were both adults.

My sister J's new man also used to be one of my very best friends. We'd been through a lot together.

I'd been very supportive of them both when they got together after J's divorce. I was the only one who supported them out of our family.

But clearly I didn't matter in the end. My daughter didn't matter. My husband didn't matter. My son didn't matter. Only they mattered.

Today is 2 years and 10 months since that awful day that Freyja was born. My life is so different now. My relationships with all my family members (not only with J) are so different now. My relationships with my friends are so different now. I am so different now.

I don't have any contact with J. I have heard nothing from her man in 2 years and 10 months with the exception of that rather offensive card. They are living together now - J and her new man. They have a baby girl. A baby who lived (of course). Everything is perfect for them (of course). Everyone has forgiven them for their appalling behaviour towards us (of course). Everyone thinks we should just "forgive and forget".

But I can't.

It was unpardonable.

The only thing that anyone can do for my dead babies is show respect. Respect for Freyja and Kees, and respect for us and our memories of them.

In their complete and utter selfishness, they couldn't even do that.