He was born and he died.
I was unspeakably happy, now my heart is irreparably broken.
I was looking forward to a happy future. Now I look for no future at all.
I was hoping to put fear and anxiety behind me. Now fear and anxiety are my constant companions.
When I was in the pit, Craig would offer me his strong arms and lift me out. Now I don't want to get out, there's no reason to get out. Craig stands there calling me but I don't really hear him. There is no point.
We've received some bizarre messages -- you know the type. Saying they've been offering "quiet support from the sidelines". What the fuck does that mean? Or assuring us that we "will find comfort in the knowledge that our children are in God's arms". WTF?? Really, people are incredibly stupid.
People are trying to be helpful I guess. But they're not. They don't know what they are talking about. Even people on this blog - some of them send the most bizarre emails - I got an A4 bible-bashing email a few days ago. Repent and believe and you will be saved. That sort of rubbish.
I wonder if all those people would believe their own words of comfort if it were their three children, their future, their flesh and blood, lying there being worm food and ashes. I don't think so. But most people are full of advice, without having any of the experience and knowledge. It's easy to speak and believe when your children and grandchildren are safe. When you've lived your life and see your future in those you leave behind. We still have to live our life and we leave nothing behind -- nothing except perfect, beautiful, dead children.
It's also very difficult for me to make any type of conversation. Even Craig is probably finding that talking with me is like pulling teeth. But you see, my life is shattered, my hope is gone, I have nothing to say that anyone will want to hear. I'm mourning my children, my life, my future, everything. I've had my time and I've had my chances and that's all over now. That's not anything I can ever do again. I cannot make polite conversation with people at all at the moment. All I want to do is scream at the top of my lungs. I have NO sympathy for anyone else except me. Me takes up all my time. It's hard enough remembering that Craig is in this too. That I have to not ignore him but take his pain into account with mine. It's all shit hard work. I have no hope, I wonder what the future will hold, I'm scared of the future.
On top of that I'm still suffering from the usual post-birth physical complains, my back hurts (I need physiotherapy), and I'm about 30 kgs overweight.
Anyway, enough of that. Life is shit and sucks generally and I don't have a good thing to say about any of it. I'm crying my way around northern Europe.
34 comments:
I read about Jet yesterday evening and was shocked to my core to read about what has has happened to Freya, Kees and sweet baby Jet. I hope you manage to find your way somehow, somewhen, through this long dark twisty tunnel. So much pain and sorrow. I'm so sorry and want to scream with you.
I meant to type Freyja. My apologies.
I have no words for you Mirne, just sending hugs and love your way. xx
I wish the nutters would leave you alone Mirne. having faith is one thing, forcing it down others throats is another.
Your journey, your way.
Still thinking about you and your precious ones. Be kind to yourself. You have a right to feel messed up and screwed with. You have a perfect right to be angry and emotional and inconsolable.
I wish you could find a deserted island and just soak up some rays, no talking, no demands, no nothing. Just space to breathe and be.
xx
I understand that you don't have sympathy for anyone else but you. When I learned you lost Jet I couldn't even feel sorry for myself.
xo
Ashley
My thoughts are with you Mirne and Craig, Soph has said it so well aswell as Mackenzie's mummy.
I can't say it better than Sophie and Mackenzie's Mommy above. My thoughts are with you and Craig. xo
Mine,
I'm so sorry. It must be so hard to find any reason at all to wake up and pretend to go through the motions of living. I remember how dark and empty and desperate those first weeks were after Liam died and this is your third time feeling those things. I can understand how the pit feels like the place for you to be. I wish it were different.
Be gentle on yourself during these days. I know you know the drill - breathe through the most painful moments and letting yourself feel the grief as that is all there is sometimes. Let silence fill the space if that is all you can manage. Please know I am thinking of you.
I can't say it better then Mackenzie's Mommy. My heart is breaking for you. Hugs!
The only thing worse than one child dying is three.
I'm so sorry.
Trisha
I went through weeks of not talking after I lost my daughter, and that was one loss. I can't imagine the anguish of that times three.
I have no words, but know I'm thinking of you. SO, so much.
I spent a majority of the evening last night learning of your journey and story. I have absolutely no words that will ease the pain, or do the one thing you would like most- which is to have your 3 beautiful babies running around and making huge messes right this very moment. I am so very sorry for your losses. Please know I will be praying for you and your husband.
Who wouldn't be where you are. You can't move on now but I know that you will. You are moving forward with each passing day. Your pain is beyond what anyone should ever feel. You are at the bottom and you need to be angry. I agree with all that you have said in this post. I will pray for you because its all that I can do from my end. If there is something that you want me to do, anything that will help, please let me know. dpucci9972@gmail.com
Oh Mirne - I hear your pain, your anguish and you are most definitely entitled to it. Nothing is fair anymore. You are experiencing pain and heartache no one should ever have to experience. I wish I could help... somehow... but I know the only thing that would help you right now is having you beautiful babes in your arms where they belong.
Strength to you, friend.
I am so desperately sorry people are trying to be a counselor when all you need is an ear to listen. Faith is so much easier to have when its smooth sailing. My heart hurts for you. Prayers and love. xx
I'm so sorry that people are such insensitive idiots. Thinking of you and Craig.
You're in my thoughts...
People truly don't understand, they make insensitive (while they think helpful) comments and it sucks. But are we really supposed to worry about not hurting THEIR feelings? Seriously? I think we have to keep ourselves sane. Thinking of Jet today ~~
I can tell you what utter shit this all is, everything, I am so very sorry. I don't know you and you don't know me but we have both lost children. Mine would have been 6 weeks old soon and I miss him so. My breasts ache for him to feed and I know that if I were given the option to bargain back for him, I would do anything, kill anyone, ravage a city, or even give my own life so that he could take a breathe. Loving you from far away.
I have been dealing with the same sort of bizarre advice and statments that people make. They try to be helpful but its really just so hurtful. I too forget that my husband is in this with me and I find it hard to sympathise with anyone who hasnt felt our loss. I heard about your precious babies and it stopped me cold. I am terrified that this could happen again. That you had to go through this not once or twice but three times. Its awful and unfair. Im screaming here with you Mirnie, for your babies and for mine.
I can't say it better than Mackenzie's Mummy either. You have every right to be angry; anyone who thinks otherwise can't have been through a significant loss. We other babyloss mums are all angry and sad with you. I know that doesn't mean much to you when all you want is your babies, but I'm thinking of you and Craig. And your three beautiful babies. Even though you feel crappy and crummy, try to do something kind for yourselves like a massage for your poor tired bodies. Wish we could do something more to help you, Mirne. Grieving sucks and I'm sad beyond words that you're having to grieve the loss of another child. (((hugs)))
Thinking of you Mirne. I can't imagine my pain x 2 more. I cry for you, too.
xxoo
Christy
I was warned that people would say the stupidest things. They were supposed to mean well. Sometimes I wished they would just give me a hug instead of saying anything.
Holding you in my heart.
I can only hug you and tell you that I think about you and your three angels often.
When I lost my baby I felt my heart ripped from my body and I didnt care about anything. I could never imagine losing another child. You have been through so much pain and torture losing your three beautiful babies. I am so sorry for all you have gone through. There is nothing anyone can say to make you feel better. The healing process is such a personal journey. I can only tell you that I'm thinking of you and (not trying to push religion on you) praying for your healing. *hugs*
I think of your family often and wonder how you are all doing. Life does suck for you right now. I have no suggestions, my heart is broken for you.
Oh Mirne, I am so sorry. I continue to think of you and Craig and your three precious children. I am sorry that people's words are causing you additional pain and grief when you are already enduring so, so, so much.
Rhonda xo
Mirne, I'm a new visitor to your blog. I'm so incredibly sorry. So much of what you have written strikes a cord for me. I remember feeling exactly as you do. I wish there was something I could say that would help but words just are not enough.
How does the world keep rolling along after such catastrophe. I never has made sense to me. My thoughts are with you tonight.
I'm so sorry that people are being so insensitive and wow, can they be insensitive or what? I've had more than my fair share of crappy comments and I'm sure you have heard them all. I recently heard an interview with a woman who wrote a book of poems about the murder of her daughter. One of the poems talks about the inappropriate things that people say when they just don't know what to say. Someone said to her, "I choked once, you know, eck, eck, eck...(making the noise)" Her daughter was strangled to death....people are unreal, you know?
Just keep writing what you are feeling, we are all here to listen. I hate this for you - beyond words to express how I hate this for you but I understand what you are going through and you aren't alone.
Send you warm and loving thoughts.
Mirne, right now, its all about YOU (you being plural - you and Craig). Everyone else needs to just fuck off really. There is no rationalizing this loss through religion or otherwise, and no words can make you feel better. It fucking sucks and its unfair, period.
I am so sorry and frustrated for you that after your third loss your friends and family have not figured out how to support you right now. They just need to be there, unconditionally, check their own shit at the door and stop trying to give you advice. They have no idea what you are going through. After losing only my firstborn, I have no idea what you are going though.
My thoughts are with you both. xoxo
You are allowed to be all about you. Anyone who expects anymore from you can f-off. Really, anyone who would question that really doesn't know what this is like, or how easily life can be altered. I can't answer the "whys" because i'm looking for them mysels...for my own life and for you. I wish more people were supportive, I wish more people in your every day life, your family, your friends could be more supportive and find the right words to say. Just no that we are all here for you, all of the bloggers out there who have walked in your shoes...we ARE here for you. I may not always have the right words, but my *hugs* are endless.
xoxo
A friend discovered and forwarded me your blog today, and I'm so sorry about the loss you and your husband have experienced again. I'm at a loss for the best words of comfort to offer, but please know that my heart breaks for you two. You will be in my thoughts in the days, weeks, and months to come.
i have been thinking about you and Craig and your babies. thank you for posting. I pretty much gave up my faith as i knew it after my second loss - something about holding your dead child in your arms has a way of knocking your faith down.
every word you have written i have written or felt in the last year.
People dont know what to say so they say stupid things. My MIL actually had to call people and tell them, after our third baby died, to not say certain things. I mean, really. You think people would know but they dont. They dont have a clue.
Sending hugs...
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