It's been pouring with rain here this morning. I wonder if it's a sign. But then I don't look for signs any more. I don't believe in signs.
Everyone writes to me how much they admire my courage, my bravery, my strength. I'm not brave, I'm not strong and I have no courage. I just have grief and fear. Grief for Jet and Kees and Freyja. Grief for Craig and me. Fear for me and fear for Craig.
I was lying in bed last night pondering on the possibility of future happiness. Often people say that our children would want us to be happy. And then I wonder how we know anything about what our children would want ... I mean, they're dead. My grief is because I will never see my children grow, I will never know what they want.
Except this. I think I can say with absolute certainty that if my Freyja and my Kees and my Jet were here with me, they would want their mummy and daddy to be happy. They would want happy parents. They would want us to fill their lives with happiness.
So that's what we'll try. Craig and I will try to be happy together, because that's what our children would have wanted for themselves - our happiness.
Goodbye Jet. I loved you so much. My sweet Jet. My precious boy. I hope that we can be happy and I hope you will be able to see that happiness. Thank you Jet for the hope and happiness I had for those three beautiful days with you. I'm so sad that I will never get to hold you again, to see you grow, to see those beautiful eyes, those wonderful hands and fingers, those perfect lips, that gorgeous nose. I will miss you forever. Just like I miss your brother and sister.
Your daddy and I will think of you every moment of our days and love and miss you forever.
34 comments:
I dont really like being told that Im strong or brave either.. I certainly dont feel strong or brave. So you can be weak with me whenever you need to be. I am so sorry and horrified for you. I also said like you.. my daughter is just a baby, how can she be expected to know what I want or want me to be happy. I'm suppossed to be taking care of HER, and making HER happy.. she cant be expected to want me to be happy. It's just screwed up... upside down and backwards. I dont know left from right anymore.. but i know right from wrong and this is WRONG. i'll continue to forever howl your children's names in the street for you.
I know it's not courage. Or bravery. It's not strength. It's simply surviving. I'm walking with you today, Mirne and Craig. Perhaps you will feel me, or perhaps not. But that's ok. I'm there.
xxx
Mirne, it is heartbreaking that life is so incomprehensibly unfair and wrong. I hope you and Craig do find the happiness that your children would want you to have. No words I, or anyone else has, would be of comfort to you today but I, and am sure a whole host of others, will be thinking of you, Craig and Jet. I hope you get through today. x
Thinking of you all today.
I'm grieving with you for your beautiful son Jet today. Had I an aeroplane or helicopter or even any kind of boat, I would cross the little bit of water between Ireland and mainland Europe to be there with you.
So all I can do is hold you in my heart, with my heart, you, Craig and little Jet.
Let the rain pour down for all I care. It's befitting weather for this devastation. I'll wear black with you, today. I walk with you today, too.
Dear Mirne, dear Craig. On this sad, sad day I will wear black for all the babys gone too soon and especially for Jet today, I will be with you in my thoughts. I walk with you that dark path and although you don`t see me I will be there.
Claudia
from Germany
Wishing you peace and gentleness.
My heart breaks for you Mirne and Craig. You do not know me but I have popped in here from time to time from Carly's blog. I have lost 3 children also (1 miscarriage, our 7 hour son Bailey and Flynn, our 2.5 year old son), I know your pain and your sense of hopelessness. There is hope though, and I will be praying that you will find peace and hope. Take care of each other. With much love Bridget (New Zealand). Please feel free to email me if you would like - bridgee_@hotmail.com xoxo
Its just one step in front of the other. One breathe in, and then out. And repeat.
There is nothing 'special' that anyone can tell you, no secret to a happily ever after, with 3 angel babies.
Its just one step in front of the other. One breathe in, and then out. And repeat again.
It makes it so hard for us - there are no labels. When a child loses its parents - they are orphans. When we lose a partner, we are widows.
But when we lose a child - there is no label, nothing fits. We do not want anything to fit - as all it will do is remind us again and again - of what we are, what we have endured, suffered and lost.
I think the label that fits the best is MOTHER. And I am happy with that label. No one asks questions - no one looks on in pity. No one tiptoes around you, or avoids the purple elephant that is sitting in the corner.
I am truly sorry for your loss.
Good by sweet Jet - you are loved so very much by so very many.
Mirne- sometimes I think we only continue to exist because of the grief that fills us. Empty but for the heavy sorrow that keeps our broken bodies and hearts from blowing away. And I think you are right, your babies would want happy parents. If that thought keeps you going, hold onto to in those moments you need something to keep you from drowning. I know I don't have to tell you how to get through these damn tortuous moments, you know all to well, and for that I am deeply saddened.
Holding you in my thoughts.
Thinking of you today and wishing things could be different for you.
TracyOC
Mirne and Craig,
you do not know me, I am just another of the too many babylost mamas. My heart aches for you both and my mind struggles to understand a universe in which these things can happen.
I wish I could do something for you...if you can tell me where in the hills your precious Freyja and Kees are buried I would like to visit them and give them some love.
Thinking of you and your beautiful, beautiful baby Jet,
xxx B
Your children would want you to be happy, that's true. It's a hard journey, we all know.
Continuing to think of you all and wish with all my heart that everything was so very very different.
Nobody is brave enough or strong enough to feel anything but grief and fear in the face of the losses like yours. I'm sending so much love to you today.
You are all in my thoughts and prayers. Wishing you peace for your heavy hearts. xx
Much love on this difficult day...thinking of you always.
It is raining here in Arizona also, considering how little rain we get here I think it is a sign of our tears for your children. I don't much believe in signs myself, but I will believe this one because I want to. My thoughts are with you on this day, I will also wear black and light a candle for precious baby Jet.
Thinking of you, Craig and sweet Jet. xo
As a previous poster said, it is surviving. That is all we can do. And you are right, they would want you to find joy and happiness. As hard as it is, our babies live through us. It is the only reason that I think we've been able to find any happiness in life.
Thinking of you and your beautiful children, and sending loving thoughts.
It is beyond sadness and I wish/pray I could help you through your grief. Know that I hold you in my heart and pray for your comfort/strength.
From my experience, I have found that many people want to tell you that you are strong so that they can feel okay from walking away from you. They tell themselves that you are strong so that they don't have guilt. I believe that there are many reasons why this happens: they want to build you up to help you...they feel relief that it didn't happen to them and then they feel guilty about that relief...they just don't want to go there so they tell themselves that they don't need to because "you are strong". Whatever the reason is...it's not true. No one is strong when they lose a child - NO ONE! You are completely wiped out and need people to help pick you off of the floor. Just breathing in and out requires more energy than you have. People don't understand how "physical" grief is.
My son died 17 months ago. I can't imagine going through this again...and again. I am so sorry. You do not deserve this. It is a complete injustice.
My prayer for you is that God will somehow give you comfort amongst this horrific tragedy. That you will have friends and family lifting you up with love and care (in practical ways). That you would find hope again and be able to embrace happiness. You deserve all these wonderful things and I will pray that you get them.
Hugs,
Trisha
Goodbye sweet Jet ...we are all weeping for what could have been...for you and for your parents. Keeping you and your mom and dad close to my heart today.
I just can't read your heart poured out on this blog without responding even if I have nothing to offer other than my tears with you and prayers for you. HOlding you (Mirne), Craig and your three precious babies (Freyja, Kees and Jet) in my heart today. I wear black for you also. Sweet Sweet Jet.
Thinking of you and your Jet today. I believe like you, that our babies would want us to be happy. It's hard but I am glad that you think so. If you would like, I can make a Hope Collage with your precious baby Jet's name.
www.hopecollage.org
Lots of love and prayers
My heart is with you and your beautiful family today. My husband and I lit our boys memory candles in honor of your sweet Jet today.
Even though we are miles apart and have not met I want you to know that my husband and I are with you today.
many peaceful hugs
Thinking of your family every day, all the time. To have to wear maternity pants with no baby to hold is insult to injury, and I hated it too. I'm just so sick over this and so sad for you. Thinking of sweet beautiful Jet and hoping there are happy times ahead for you and Craig.
Thinking of you and your family today and wishing you peace.
Much love to you today.
I have no words...only tears for the incredible pain you must feel. Thinking of you and Craig. Much love, Fran
It's raining here in BC today, too. My thoughts have gone to the two of you and to your babies so many times throughout the day. Peace from Lotus Land. (((hugs)))
*tears*
I am so sorry to read about your pain & loss...
As another parent who has lost children I remember those dark places we go in grief, & am praying some peace & hope will flow your way.
Much love to you, & remembering your precious ones today,
Lissy
There are truly no words to express the profound sorrow I feel for you both and to somehow bring you healing during this time. I can only offer this...that "I will pray for you without ceasing because my heart will continue even when my mind has other things it must do." May my prayers and the love and prayers of all those around you carry you through your grief.
Remembering Jet, Kees, and Freyja with you, looking forward with you also, and sending you much love.
Hold on... hold onto each other, to your memories, to the love... hold on, you guys. Hold on.
Sending love. I am wishing you and Craig as much happiness as your futures will hold, though I know happiness may be hard to imagine now.
Remembering Jet with you, wishing with all my heart that he were still in your arms.
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