Expectations

We got a greeting card today. From one of my cousins (he lives here in the Netherlands). He's about 13 years younger than me, and (quite frankly) he's a prat. I've always thought so. He's a conservative, opinionated, chauvinistic prat.

Anyway, the card. It was written by his wife (of course), saying that they'd heard from my cousin's sister (who lives in Australia) that we were pregnant again. They congratulated us and said they were praying for a healthy baby for us.

It was signed (by his wife) with his name, her name and their son's name.

Their son was born about 2-3 months after Kees died last year. I was very upset by his birth at the time. But then I've been upset by every single baby born since Freyja died. Anyway, their son was born, they sent out the usual birth card to every person they know, we sent them a card and a gift. We haven't heard a single thing from them since. That was over one year ago.

My sister L rang me today. She rang just after we got the post and I'd looked at the card.

I was pissed about the card. I was pissed about the pathetic effort that these people have made in over a year. One stupid card. I said as much to my sister. She said that I should be grateful that they made an effort. She said that wasn't it better that they sent the card than if they hadn't sent the card?

I don't agree with her. In fact I disagree with her.

It's not an effort to send a stupid card after one year. In fact, doing such a thing should have shamed them into realising that they hadn't done anything else for us in the last year (or more). I understand exactly what they've been doing. They had a baby. They've been busy. Much too busy for us and our grief. That's why they couldn't call or email or send a card earlier. They've been busy. And after all, it's been more than a year since Kees died, our "mourning" period must surely be over? Surely, we're back to "normal" now??? Yes, we should be grateful for the effort they made.

My sister J (the one I don't have any contact with) also sent us a greeting card a few weeks ago. It was in a pink envelope. It had a picture of a baby girl in a pink dress on it. She wrote some crap on the inside about hoping that I have a "blooming belly". I am pregnant with a BABY BOY ... she knows this. Should I take the view that at least she made the effort??? Not bloody likely.

I spent so much time after Freyja's death wondering whether I expected too much from people. I came to the conclusion that I did.

I expected people to be supportive. To be supportive not only of me, but also of my husband. (People used to ring and Craig would answer the phone and they would ask him, "how is Mirne?", they never asked him how he was ... they did the same after Kees died.) To stick with me in my grief. To make an effort to understand what I might be going through. To listen to me. To hug me. To wonder how I was going. To be interested in my thoughts.

But as I already said, I came to the conclusion that I was expecting too much.

It appears that really what I should be expecting is a greeting card. Maybe a greeting card immediately after the death of my child. And then (if I'm really lucky) another one about a year or so later.

(Another cousin, an older cousin, contacted me about about 6 weeks ago and invited us for a coffee -- again, a random invitation after we'd heard nothing from them for over a year. I guess that was a real privilege ... not a card, but an invitation.)

You know what? I know that my expectations were (are) too high. I know I should settle for what people are prepared to give. But I can't. I can't settle for pathetic greeting cards or pathetic invitations from people who don't really care. Who so obviously haven't lost any sleep over our losses. Freyja meant nothing to them. Kees meant nothing to them. What makes them feel obliged to send us a bloody stupid card??? Or invite us for coffee when they couldn't even be bothered coming to visit us after Kees' birth ... they couldn't even be bothered coming to meet our son when he was ALIVE?????

These people should feel shame.

But instead they probably feel "good" because they've sent us a card. They'll pat themselves on the back because they've done the "right thing".

I keep trying to lower expectations, but I never quite get them low enough. Every time I think I've hit rock bottom, I realise that I'm not quite there yet.

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I'm going on a holiday tomorrow for a few weeks. Craig and I are planning to escape together. We're going to drive through sunny Italy for a few weeks. I doubt that I'll get the chance to do much blogging during that time.

See you in a few weeks. :-)