Hairdressers revisited (by Craig)

Mirne made a post here a couple of days ago which seems to have showed up the difference between those who understand and those who, quite frankly, have no fucking idea. She posted about our visit to the hairdressers. Now, we've all been to a hairdresser, and we all know that they like to ask about our lives and what's happening, where did you go on holiday, and, if you're pregnant, how's it all going. Most people answer with the usual platitudes - "We had a lovely holiday", "Yes it's been a while since my last haircut", "Oh, well, I've been soooo busy at work", "Yes, yes, the pregnancy is going very well. I'm enjoying being pregnant." Of course, this is all bullshit. What we all really want to say is how things have gone wrong.

Our hairdressers know us quite well. We may not always get the same one, but there are only about 3 or 4 girls who work there, and I'm pretty sure they know about Kees' death. The hairdresser Mirne had last time was new. She didn't know. And, of course, she asked. Mirne answered.

Now, the last time I had my hair cut I had my regular hairdresser. She had a baby boy of her own last year, about 3 months after Kees. So, about a month after he died. She asked me how Mirne was going with her pregnancy, even though Mirne wasn't there. I told her we were, naturally, worried about the outcome, and she understood (or, at least, she did a fairly convincing fake of acting as though she did). She told me that after hearing the story of Kees, she was worried about her son every time he coughed. I believed her. She cared, and she was interested in my story of our fears about this pregnancy.

Mirne's latest hairdresser didn't. She just warbled on as if Mirne had said "Looks like rain, doesn't it?" We expect people to at least listen to us, especially when they ask the question. If you ask someone how they are, at least pretend to be concerned if they say they're not feeling so well! I do. Maybe that's the difference between me and Tia and Rae. By reading someone's blog, you are asking how they are feeling. Be prepared for an answer that's not positive - most people don't feel perfect all the time, and those that do have obviously got their hands on better drugs than the rest of us!!!

My suggestion to those who don't like what they read on OUR blog, is go somewhere else. We quite obviously have suffered grief. You know nothing of our lives other than what you have read on our blog, and to say that you have also "suffered familial losses" is rather vague. We all have. It is perfectly natural to bury grandparents, parents and, eventually, siblings. If we're really unlucky, we'll bury friends and family our own age before we reach adulthood. But this is totally different to losing a child. Read any book you like, and you will discover that this is a particularly different grief. It is deeper, and lasts longer. When an older person (by which I mean NOT a baby/infant/toddler/pre-schooler), you are mourning what you have lost. You have lost the person you KNEW. Okay, up until early adulthood you are also mourning what might have been, but you are still mourning the loss of what you KNEW. When you lose a baby/infant, you don't have anything you knew to mourn. You are mourning entirely what might have been. And not only what that child might have been, but also YOUR OWN FUTURE. You will spend the rest of your life answering the question of "How many children do you have?"

Of course, the answer is NOT "None." It has to include those you have lost, because they will always be your children. And, of course, the conversation always comes around to how old they are and what they're doing. The answer to that is "They're dead." If anyone can come up with a better way of putting that, good on you. But it will always be the same in the end - awkward. And that's the point. What Mirne is trying to say is that she was disappointed in the reaction to that answer: "They're dead." Sugar-coat it any way you like, but the answer still sucks, and what separates the wheat from the chaff is the way people react. Some people show their answer on their face, and you know before they even speak that, no matter what they say, they really do mean to offer support.

And then there are the others. Their faces glaze over and they say the first trite piece of platitudinous shite that comes to the front of their brains. And then it doesn't matter what you say to them, because they have already decided that they don't want to listen. It's too hard for them. They can't deal with the horror of one dead baby, let alone two. And then they question you: "Was there something wrong with the babies?" - "No" - "Are you sure?" - "Yes, I'm sure. We had autopsies performed" (what, do they think we just make this shit up, and we'd be stupid enough to have a third pregnancy if we had a serious medical condition that had already killed two babies?). Then there are those who query the statistics. I won't go into it, but if 2 intelligent people start quoting statistics to you, listen. We're unlikely to make them up, because we know how to find them on the internet so we assume others do too. And then, if we've made them up, that just makes us look like idiots, doesn't it??? And who wants to look like an idiot??? (Except, maybe, a professional clown.)

I think this has gotten a bit off track from why I was really posting. So, back on track:

My message to all of you who feel the need to make a personal attack on Mirne when she posts is this: FUCK OFF! Seriously, I have discovered that there is only one thing I care about in this life, and that is my wife. If you want to hurt her, go ahead, but be aware that I will endeavour to stop you. And if that means haunting your blogs and commenting, extremely negatively, on YOUR personal life, I will. So don't comment on things you have no idea about, and don't tell people on their own personal blogs that they are idiots (which is what you are really doing here) - just DON'T READ IT IF YOU DON'T AGREE WITH IT. GO TO A DIFFERENT BLOG WITH OTHER LIKE-MINDED PEOPLE, BECAUSE YOU ARE OBVIOUSLY NOT LIKE-MINDED HERE.

Apologies to all of you who are like-minded (you know who you are, and Mirne and I love all of you and your input and encouragement in our journey through this grief and pregnancy).

I think I'll stop now, maybe I should post more. This was really quite cathartic.

Craig.