My cousin and her husband have a joint FB identity. Today their status was:
ALL WE WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS A LITTLE BABY GIRL. YEP, [COUSIN'S NAME] IS PREGNANT AND DUE DECEMBER 20. HOORAY.
Right.
This is one of the primary reasons why my FB page is very limited, and generally only accessible to my other baby-lost mama friends.
My cousin and her husband used to be my "friends" on FB, but I got ruthless a while ago and culled my group of friends to people who I actually had some contact with and who I trusted. They didn't survive the cull. (They're still "friends" on Craig's page which is how I heard about their FB status.) Occasionally I get "friend requests" from the people I culled, but I just ignore them. Yep, I'm ruthless.
How supremely and unsurprisingly confident of my cousin and her husband to make their announcement to their entire world (their "friends" on FB are around 700+).
They are fundamental christians who work for the same (voluntary) missionary organisation as one of my sisters. Their belief in God is so absolute that it wouldn't occur to them that their baby might die and God might not do something about it! Everything in their life is "perfect". God provides everything they need (literally - this is an entirely voluntary organisation - they need to pay for everything themselves despite not actually "earning" an income).
I'm not happy that she is pregnant. But then again, I'm not happy these days about anyone being pregnant (except baby-lost mamas). She's young, and no doubt her pregnancy will be perfect and her baby will also be perfect. Everyone in her family is perfect. Everything in their family is perfect. If anything, I get pissed off.
And, of course, I can't tell anyone that I'm not happy for them. Or that it pisses me off. Because then I would be a "bad" person. People wouldn't understand that I find it difficult at this stage of my life to be happy for them. Because I'm pregnant and they're pregnant. In everyone else's eyes we're in "equal" positions. But of course that's not the case. I've buried two precious children, I'm living a life of fear and grief and sorrow. They're on their first pregnancy and have only hope and joy. They have many years ahead of them to have children. I don't.
Nope, all I can do is blog. So blog I do.
16 comments:
Sending much love, Mirne. xoxo
Don't let anyone tell you how to feel or think. You responses and feelings and thoughts are important. They are real and they should be validated. You are on such an incredibly hard journey. I don't know where you are in your walk with the Lord or what you thoughts are about Him..(and it's really not any of my business). I just want you to know that I've been a Christian my entire life. When I lost Nate I couldn't understand why a God that loved me so much would allow something like this to happen. I'm not sure if I will ever find that answer or understand but I do know this. He has given me the strength that I needed to survive. It's been 12 weeks and a day since we lost our Nate. I'm amazed I've made it to this point. I'm amazed by your strength too. Please no that God did NOT kill your babies or take you babies. I know that is so hard to hear. I don't even really like people saying it to me at times but it is true. Please know that not only do you have my support and prayers but that your journey and experience is going to help so many people. I see you having lost all that you have had and you still had the strength to try again and be pregnant again. It give me a lot of hope. Thinking of you today.
I understand. It's OK to not be happy for your pregnant cousin. I'm dreading the day of any close friends or family announcing a pregnancy, because I just don't think I can be happy for them at this stage.
The arrogance is what is so disturbing to me on Facebook. That my story is just a random chaotic freak occurrence, and the others who post ridiculously oblivious status updates don't think anything will happen. I have issues with Facebook too. Much love, Mirne.
Hey- I just saw on your ticker you're 33 weeks and 5 days. Congrats!
My husband's boss announced their pregnancy at 6 weeks. All I could think of was how stupid they were to announce so early because something could go wrong. But, of course, they're young (despite being older than us) and naive, and even though they knew our son die, that could *never* happen to them.
I'm not angry that they're naive and arrogant, just very jealous. I was once this way (I announced my pregnancy at 9 weeks), but now that my son died I'll never be able to be like that again.
You're 33 weeks and 5 days- one day farther than I got. I really, really hope you get to go all the way and take home a baby.
xoxo
Facebook can be torture. One of my facebook 'friends' (really just an old acquaintance) has always been a huge self-promoter in everything and his recent babymaking is no exception. He's a photographer and maintains 3 seperate blogs dedicated to portraying his perfect family in all their photoshopped glory. His wife got pregnant for the second time just after we lost Iris and when their son was born I was consumed with rage and envy and I wished it had been them whose baby had died, not us. It just seemed so unfair. They were just so SMUG about it all. I really, really hate them. If I sound bitter that's because I am bitter - and why not? Why shouldn't we feel rage and bitterness.
I've been reading your archive, Mirne, and I was so angry about those stupid trolls. How dare they come in to your space and tell you how to grieve? Aaaarrrgh.
I get it Mirne, as I told you last night on email. This is why I still can't go back. I just can't. Maybe I could, if I employed ruthless tactics such as yourself and just friend my new babyloss friends!
Boo...I hate this life of doubting everything, and not being able to be carefree. We know what can and does happen. It might sound weird, but I miss the days of being naive and thinking everything will be perfect....but sadly, from experience none of us who have lost 1 child, or more will never feel like again. As i've said time and time again, this sucks!
*hugs*
I've had to do the same thing. Probably need to another cull now as well because people keep showing how much they've forgotten. One friends rabbit was dying a few weeks ago... Her status was "Please God, don't take my baby girl."...
That Christmas comment would totally bite me...
xx
so sorry.
I know I lost my first baby (very early on in the pregnancy). And although I went on to have another healthy baby, everytime I hear someone announce so early about their pregnnacy (the last one was 5 weeks!) I cring, and my stomach turns in knots and I think to myself, "man I hope nothing goes wrong".
I'm so thankful that although young, we kept the first pregnancy to ourselves, and only shared the loss with close family/friends rather then the enitre facebook world!
I call Facebook: "skiteBook" it does bother me excessively that people are so trite about things..I was thinking of becoming a "free radical" like my cousin in England whom writes the most "out there" fb status updates on anti-animal testing and anti-logging and anti-materialism and conjour up things in my mind I wish I could say on my FB status that would contradict those whom skite about their pregnancy, baby etc those people in particular that don't support us baby loss mamas or think that this is a rare and random occurence...let me assure you, your baby will be much more special in my books..Pfft to cousins, radical self talking would like to comment on their fb status...something that I am whispering to myself..
I don't like facebook either. It always leaces me feeling annoyed and grumpy.
I know it must be hard to watch everything go so perfect for someone else. I agree, you two are not 'equal'. You're on your third pregnancy and I'm sure very nervous.
I'm excited for you as you are getting so close.
Hang in there, and don't look at those damn status remarks on FB. Ignorance really is bliss at times.
Much love, Lindsay
I meant 'leaves'
I'm sorry. I understand your frustration and jealousy of the "perfect" lives of others. It is so hard to feel happiness for others when our hearts carry so much sadness and longing. Blog away.
A neighbor recently had a baby boy and the balloon was tied around their mailbox to announce their new son. Fine, they get to fly the balloon, I get it. Well, the stupid balloon remains up, still floating on their mailbox 2 weeks later. WTF? Who is filling up that balloon to keep it afloat? How is it not deflated? I have naughty and wicked imaginings of popping that balloon with a big, sharp, shiny pin! I would never actually do that, but I let myself have this one fantasy each time I walk past their house with my dogs in tow. The bitter side of me embraces this dream, the forgiving side of me pushes this dream away.
I went further than just culling my FB account - I closed it down after a short lived 4 days. In that short time I received birth announcements from the friends of friends. I freaked out. Babies and families were everywhere! It sucked and ditched, headed for the safety zone of blogland.
((((((hugs)))))) to you and peace.
I'm sorry Mirne. It sucks that things are so damned easy for some people while being so ruthlessly hard on others.
Facebook seems to be for the happy, shiny people. I can fake it occasionally, but I've "hidden" a lot of people so I don't have to deal with constant photos, baby news, etc.
You know what bugs me? The fact that it's those nieve, cocky people who announce their pregnancy at 6 weeks to the world who actually have perfectly smooth, successful, pregnancies and just lives in general! I mean, really - why *wouldn't* they be cocky?! Grrrr.
I hate Facebook and refuse to be a part of it :)
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