Today, whilst I was speaking via sk.ype with my parents down under, it became clear to me that they are "confused" that I am not happy. They thought that I wanted to be pregnant and therefore, as I am now pregnant, I must be happy.
But I'm not.
Pregnancy is not a state of being that makes me happy. It's that simple.
I guess that's because all the experiences and memories which I associate with pregnancy are bad.
During all my pregnancies I've feared death ... the death of my babies. Even during my first pregnancy ... a friend had just lost her baby in late third trimester, so I was very aware of what could go wrong.
So now I have two dead babies and a total fear of being pregnant. Realising that I have no control over anything to do with my babies is of course not a calming realisation. I mean, I can do everything right, and yet still everything will go wrong. As I know very well.
Doesn't make for an enjoyable experience.
So.
As a result, even though I'm pregnant, I'm still jealous of pregnant women out on the street. Because the chances are that they are enjoying their pregnancy. They are not living in fear every second of the day. They are not dreading the inevitable death of their baby. And (worst of all) their children LIVE.
Isn't that terrible? I feel terrible just writing it.
It's like some part of me is telling me that I should be grateful for this pregnancy. But I'm not. I'm not grateful.
When I think of all the women out there who have problems conceiving, I feel that I should be grateful. Because it appears that I don't have problems conceiving. But you see, conception only takes you so far. It only makes you pregnant. It only grows a baby inside me. It doesn't mean that baby will ever live outside me. That conception doesn't come with any guarantees. Just because I become pregnant does not mean I get a healthy living child. And for me, even if I do get a healthy living child, some horrible against-all-odds thing might happen that will deprive me of that healthy living child. This is something that most people do not understand.
Nope. Conception is one thing. Pregnancy is another thing. Healthy living child another thing. And what happens after that is another nightmare altogether.
No wonder I'm scared.
Whether this baby lives or dies, I shall never look back at this pregnancy with fondness. I shall never have fond memories of this pregnancy. Just like I don't have fond memories of my pregnancies with Freyja and Kees.
How can a pregnancy (or two in my case) which brought me so much sadness, so much grief, which changed my life so very, very much, ever be remembered with joy?
The potential of Freyja was joyful, but the reality wasn't.
The reality of Kees was wonderful ... oh, he was such a gorgeous and happy little boy. But his life was so short, and his death brought with it such overwhelming sadness and grief, that I doubt that any fond memories of my pregnancy or his very short life will survive long in my mind.
Would I have been better off without my dead babies, without any babies? Oh yes, I'm in no doubt about that. I was perfectly happy without any babies, I had no desire for any babies. That desire was created when Freyja was unintentionally conceived.
Now my options are rapidly disappearing. This baby inside me is my last chance. My age and other factors are against me. If this baby doesn't live, there won't be any others. We don't have the option to adopt. Craig's medical history rules him out.
It wasn't meant to be like this, my life.
You never know what you're going to get in life, do you? You plan, and you plan, and you plan. But you never plan for this.
I studied hard, I worked hard, I had a very solid, professional, rewarding career. I met a wonderful man. I was so looking forward to married life with this man. And then everything went pear-shaped.
We didn't plan for this. None of this was in the plan. The plan got thrown out the window. But no new plan fit. Nothing fit. We didn't have a plan. We're just coasting along now. Waiting to see what happens next. What life will bring.
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You might notice that I put a "welcome" note at the top of my blog.
I recently received a comment from a blogger who I don't know. I found the comment to be quite nasty -- you can judge for yourself. I left the comment -- see my "hairdressers" post.
So I felt the need to clarify my position regarding my blog. I hope I haven't offended any of you.
14 comments:
I have a feeling that I will feel the same way and I have only lost one child. I don't like pregnancy and my first child is with me. Try not to be so hard on yourself. You have no reason to feel guilty. I'm hoping for you..
Love Lindsay
As my mother used to say "if you haven't got anything nice to say, don't say anything at all." Wish more folk would listen to that bit of advice. I am very angry on your behalf.
If I ever say anything ill-considered here, please know that it is said with good intentions and you are more than welcome to come round to mine and give me what for! I can be a little clumsy at times.
Like Lindsay says above, I think I will feel the same way and I have only lost one child. I honestly can't imagine. I don't think you have anything to reproach yourself for.
Who could plan for all this? I don't think anyone could. xx
Oh girl, my heart breaks for you so much. But I admire you so much too, because to me you are a shining example of bravery and courage. I don't blame you a bit for not being a big ball of happy over your current pregnancy. I think that's completely fair given what you've been through...and I hope people aren't making you feel guilty for that. I hope you are okay and are managing to just kind of stay in the moment - take each day for what it is and be kind to yourself. It's how I imagine trying to tackle another pregnancy...but it's very different for me, because even though I lost my son I've still got my daughter at home.
I'll be thinking of you and hoping things go well. Peace to you.
I'm jealous of them, too, the pregnant women who don't carry around huge burdens of fear. I am hoping so hard for you and this new baby, Mirne.
And I'm angry and sad that you had to deal with a troll on your blog.
I haven't read the troll comment yet but I'm sorry people can be such asses.
I often lament the way I've changed, my inability to experience true joy and mourn the loss of my innocence.
I'm hoping for the best for you, Mirne. Much love. xoxo
You are perfectly within your rights to feel exactly the way you're feeling. Don't feel guilty, not for one second. And without you even mentioning the hairdresser post again, I was going to bring it up. What the fuck was that about? I mean really? People continue to amaze me in all the wrong ways.
I didn't really want kids either...not until was son was born did I understand how amazing they are. I was FINE without them. We were totally surprised to find out we were expecting and I was terrified. I was not maternal at all. It is amazing how quickly you fall in love...it only takes seconds really. We lost him to a genetic disorder called spinal muscular atrophy when he was 5 months old. I'm not sure we can ever be pregnant again because there is a 1 in 4 chance of it happening again. So here I am, a broken mom who now wants a baby but is too scared to have one. Life sucks sometimes.
I'm so sorry for your losses. I know that doesn't make it better, but I cry along with you and all the other babylost mommies.
((HUGS))
I'm sorry your life has gone on such a different path to any plan. And then again. It's OK to feel scared and not happy like others expect you to. Sounds perfectly acceptable to feel like that to me.
I don't know why anyone would leave such a stupid comment. Sorry you had to waste emotional energy on her, on top of everything else.
Too bad people choose to randomly leave negative or hurtful comments on people's blogs, I checked her's out and it's a goldmine for anyone wanting to leave mean comments that I'm sure she wouldn't appreciate. Maybe she will realize after a hurtful comment or two has been left her way that randomly commenting on someone's blog and saying stuff that is mean, maybe isn't the best idea. Hugging you
We are always going to upset someone with how we feel Mirne,
Tia's comment was not even worth your time reading. She has no idea what she is talking about. To be honest I think she must just hate people who want children so much. Her blog spews about how much she does not want kids. Who cares if you don't.
Don't give her another thought.
xxx
P.S.
I just wished Tia all my best on her blog. The comment before me said it all.
Ignorance really is bliss, isn't it? HUGS, mama. I'm hoping for the best possible ending for you.
I think it is completely normal to have such fears and to almost be disconnected with relation to your pregnancies. Its hard not to. Its sad that those of us who have been through a loss, or multiple losses like you and I, end up losing our innocence. We know that just because you get a positive pregnancy test that it doesn't mean you get the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. I wish I was that blissfully pregnant person who went through those 9 months with just pure joy. I wish I could let my guard down. I wish I could shop and prepare for a baby. But sadly, I know the real truth. I wish I didn't, I wish you didn't. I hope beyond hope that this IS your happy ending. *hugs*
A couple of days before reading this post I was thinking about the same topic; How it would feel to be pregnant again after letting our sweet Babygirl go. Like my collegue, who was so euphoric; I could never be like that. I wouldn`t want to to talk about my pregnancy with knowing everybody expects me to be happy due to pregnancy. Not many people understand the fear we feel. Sending you peace and strenghth.
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