One of her comments was: " ... tell me what it is you want from people".
So I thought I would. Tell you what I want. Although I'm sure most baby-lost mamas already know what I want.
The following is a list of my wants. With the exception of numero uno, these are in no particular order. It's not a complete list, but I figure no-one's got time to read pages and pages of my wants. Plus I think most baby-lost mamas have wants just like mine and can probably add to the list themselves.
As for trolls, I hope this list is clear enough for you.
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1. I want my babies back. That's right. Someone give me Freyja and Kees back please. And I want them whole and alive. I don't want any traces of their death. I want them as I was supposed to get them when they were born. ALIVE. Now.
2. I want my life back. You know that life I had where I was a successful, high-flying lawyer. Newly-married to a wonderful man. Living a life filled with joy and love and adventure. Looking forward to the birth of her beautiful baby girl. Now please.
3. I want my mind back. That mind which used to be full of information, and was logical, and intelligent. That mind that could process information and use that information to negotiate huge transactions for clients, keep up with and participate in fun and intelligent conversations, and which seemed to have an endless capacity for new things. That mind where information gets lost now, where nothing seems to get processed now. Can I have it back please?
4. I want my family back. Have I mentioned that I'm the eldest of four? My three younger siblings all live in Oz. I used to be quite close to them. Now I really only have contact with my next younger sister. She's a faithful sister and always remembers my children's birthdays and/or deathdays. Her daughters draw pictures for my Freyja and Kees. The other two siblings don't seem to have any time for me. I'm not the sister I used to be. And that relationship I used to have with them, and with my parents, that's gone. Can I have those relationships back please?
5. I want my friends back. Oh, so many friends. Friends here in Europe, friends in the US and friends in Oz. Where are all those friends now?? Oh, that's right. I remember. They've sort of left me alone ... they don't know what to do with me any more. They're having their own children, and having someone around who just seems to be burying hers isn't much fun.
6. I want my career back. I was doing very well. I was optimistic about my future career. I had made good career choices and I had lots of options. An unfortunate side-effect of burying babies and having breakdowns is that your career choices suddenly also disappear. Can I have them back please?
7. I want to be rid of this constant fear I have. I never had this fear before. As a single person I had (almost) no fear. I ran from elephants and hippos in Africa and lived to tell the tale. These days I'm scared to cross the street without clutching my husband's hand. I can't enjoy my holidays because I'm scared of the lunatic drivers around us. Please can someone take that fear away from me?
8. I want people to talk to me about my babies. Why is it that no-one wants to talk about dead babies? I mean, what's so scary about that? And yet, no-one does it. It's taboo. It's like the subject makes OTHER PEOPLE uncomfortable, so let's just all pretend it doesn't happen. Right. WHAT ABOUT ME??? These are my children??? Why can't people do what I want and speak to me about my children?? If they come to my apartment and see my photos of Kees on the wall, they all say how beautiful he was (which he is), so why can't they talk to me about my children???? Please, please, please.
9. I want my life to be filled with hope. So that I can go on. So that I can face tomorrow, and next week, and next month, and next year. How on earth does anyone live without hope? I mean, what would be the point?? I know from experience that those first months after I lost Freyja and then Kees, my hope was almost non-existent. But I had some hope. I had Craig and he was my hope. And I had hope for another child, a living child. I still have those hopes. But I want all that hope I used to have ... that hope that there was always something better around the corner. I don't have that hope any more. Something took it away. I want that hope back. Now.
10. I want my body back. I'm just over six foot tall ... in every country (except the Netherlands) I'm considered a bit of a freak (because the rest of the population is not tall). But fortunately for me it means I can carry lots of extra weight and still not look fat. But let me tell you something. I am currently 35 kgs heavier than on the day that Craig and I first got together. Ok, so I'm eight months pregnant now, but most of that weight (at least 20 kgs and probably more) is baby-lost weight. And I look older. So much older. If I put a photo of me taken today next to a photo of me taken three years ago (my wedding photo is a good example), I look like a different woman. I look about 10 years older. Three and a half years ago I looked young and happy. Today I look middle-aged and sad. I want my body back.
11. I want my husband to stop worrying about me. He married an outgoing, confident, talkative, fun and intelligent woman. And now I'm just a shell of that person. A lot of her disappeared after Freyja died, and then most of what was left vanished after Kees died. Now there's only a shell left. And that shell which is me needs him so that I can do even the most basic daily chores. I don't know where I'd be without my husband. And he knows it. That's why he worries about me. And he wants me back.
12. I want this baby boy to be born healthy and live long. Is that to much to ask? What I wouldn't give for that to happen. A healthy child, who lives a long and happy life. Who maybe will one day bury me and his dad. I would have given anything for Freyja and Kees, but I couldn't. No-one asked me ... no-one said "it will cost you X much". There was no option. They were taken without consultation. Other people's babies live. Why can't at least ONE OF MINE??? I want this baby boy to live.
13. I want my husband's family to be supportive and loving. I want them to stop being so bloody selfish and stop wallowing in their own bloody grief and be supportive of their son. I want them to ring him and tell him that they're thinking of him. I want them to send a card on our children's special days. I want them to realise that their son needs them. I want them to realise that he needs them more than their two daughters do.
14. I want the world to stop pretending that babies don't die. They do. Lots of babies die. Doesn't everyone (at least in first world countries) have access to the internet these days?? Look at some of the statistics. I'm not going to quote them. They're easy to find. And these aren't MADE-UP NUMBERS. These numbers represent ACTUAL BABIES WHO DIE. These babies aren't fetuses. They're little people. They're someone's sons and daughters. They're brothers and sisters. They're grandchildren. They're nieces and nephews. They're cousins. And they die for all sorts of reasons. Sometimes for no reason at all. Why do people stick their heads in the sand and pretend that it's a third world problem? Wake up and smell the roses ... it happens here and now in first world countries.
15. I want people to start realising that bad things happen to good people. Lots of bad things. And I'm not talking about losing a job or the air-conditioner breaking down. I'm talking death. And not old people either. When old people die, you can celebrate a life lived. Babies die. Children die. It happens. And then you mourn a life lost. And it can't be fixed. It doesn't get better. It doesn't go away. It doesn't matter how much you pray, your child is still dead. It doesn't matter how good you've been, your child is still dead. It doesn't matter if you get pregnant again, your child is still dead. I want people to realise that.
16. I want to stop worrying. I want to stop thinking that every day something awful will happen. I want to stop thinking that this baby boy inside me will die. I want to stop worrying that something awful will happen to Craig. I want so desperately to stop worrying.
17. I want to be happy. I want to look at the future with optimism. I want to look forward to the future ... not fear it. I want to be able to celebrate good things. I don't want to face EVERYTHING with apprehension. I want to be able to be happy for other people. I want to be happy for myself.
18. I want people to stop telling me to be grateful. You know when people (un)helpfully say to you: "oh, but at least you have your husband" or "at least you know you can get pregnant." Like what's that supposed to mean??? That I'm supposed to be grateful for my husband, or my apartment, or my job???? Apparently so. Apparently I'm supposed to bury my grief over having buried my two much-loved and beautiful children because I can console myself in other ways. Right.
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It's not an exhaustive list. I'm sure I could go on and on. But that's a pretty good sample of what I want.
Not too unreasonable is it???
20 comments:
Nothing on your list seems unreasonable to me because I want all the same things. ((HUGS))
Just crying all over the lap top tonight. I want the same things. For us all.
So much love to you and Craig.
xo
i've never left a comment on your blog before - thankyou so much for saying all of this.
No, not unreasonable at all. Not. At. All.
xo
(Julie Cozens asked me to pass this on to you guys. Soph)
Hi Mirne and Craig,
I have just watched an amazing episode of Australian Story and I
though that I should tell you guys about it, (and Sophie and Sally and
Ezras mummy and Carly and Lea and everyone really). Here is the
address http://www.abc.net.au/austory the episode is called Doctor in
the House.
The story is about a doctor who is an Intensive Care Consultant
(Michael Buis) and his work and family. This Doctor has just taken a
Sea change for a few different reasons one of them being his baby
daughter died inutero at 24 weeks gestation. Another reason was that
he almost died in his own hospital.
The program devotes quite a lot of time to discussing how parents feel
when their baby dies, both Michael and Sarah talk about it and
Michaels brother who is an Obstetrician also makes some very frank and
sympathetic points about baby loss. Sarah is also very heavily
pregnant with twins during filming, she talks about her fears for her
unborn babies and she is filmed while having an ultrasound. They are
delivered safe and healthy before the end, and at the end we get to
see the babies up close in detail.
It will be on ABC2 on Tuesday night and on Saturday they will rerun it
on ABC1 at 12.30pm. I hope you catch it
Julie xx
Yes, yes and yes. I want all these things too.
This is a great list Mirne. I want these things too. I would also like people to acknowledge that Denis is not my first child, or my only child. I don't want them referring to my pregnancy with Hannah as my miscarriage. And I don't like when people show visible discomfort when I mention her name in passing. Finally, it would be great if people could stop pretending that it never happened and once in a while acknowledge the pain we still feel. It doesn't have to be every day, but every now and then would be nice. Thanks for posting this list.
I don't have anything to say! Shocker, I know :) - but you said it all, and said it well. The wishes of so many lost baby moms. . . I even "get you" on the whole in-laws thing. Ugh.
P.S. I'm sorry about the trolls, that really sucks.
I know, Mirne. I wish we could have all those things. xoxo
I wish you could have everything on your list. I wish all of us could.
Trolls suck. I'm sorry you feel the need to defend yourself to them. I wish your list didn't need to exist, I wish my own list didn't need to exist. Just maybe, for once someone who doesn't understand what our lives are like, will. *hugs*
I want what you want too. I'd like to live in a world where babies don't die. I'd like to be sane again. I'd like to have that light in my eyes that I used to have before my baby died. I'd like to have friends who don't think I should be over my son's death, or even have friends that will actually talk about him. I'd like to be genuinely happy again instead of just faking it. But mostly, I'd like to be able to see and hold my son, hear him cry, and watch him grow.
When I find this magical wishing well that grants all your wishes, I'll send you and your husband a plane ticket to go to it. Okay?
These troll people arent worth a damn, they'll never understand a loss like ours, and they'd never want to understand. Those trolls don't matter, they're just shit on my shoes if you ask me.
xoxo
So heartbreaking. I wish that you could have all of these things. xx
And just because my internet is letting me comment right now I want to say me too. Order me up! Supersize me so to speak (the order I mean - like you I am rather tall (around 5'9") and carrying rather a lot more weight than I should (I hate that I fall into 'obese' category on the BMI scale!)...) for I want what you want...
xxx
very well written Mirne and so very true...hope the troll is reading because it might give the troll a bit of insight, actually alot of insight..spot on Mirnexx
A beautiful, gutwretching post. Here's the thing: people like to go on blogs and post anonymous mean shit. The like to do this because they have WAAAY to much time on their hands and they like to hate. Look, trolls: blogging is for people who need to talk. It's a cathatric experience to do it, and it helps out others, because it helps us all feel less isolated inside our minds when we go through a shared traumatic experience. If you don't get it, stay off it and stop reading. Go read a book or rent a movie or something. Chillax.
Can I hug you? Thank you for sharing the deepest part of your heart. I wish for so many of those things as well, for you, and for all of us.
A hundred times times: YES. This isn't just a list it's a manifesto for babylost mamas.
Love, Jess
I am sorry but you need to grow up! No one can give you those children back and to expect that is unrealistic. I suggest you get help--a three-year period of carrying on like this, constantly reopening the wound is unbalanced to say the least. No normal person carries on the way you and some of other commenters do. Like I said, GROW UP!
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