Scared to be hopeful

If everything goes well, in 31 days this baby will be born. On 28 August. That's a bloody scary thought.

Of course, much scarier is the thought that everything might not go well. And because that's our overriding thought at the moment, we're not really doing a whole lot to prepare for this baby.

We have a lot of stuff in the apartment already (albeit in storage) from our previous children.

We didn't buy a whole lot of stuff for Freyja when I was pregnant, but we had a bit. We brought most of it back to the shops after she died.

We didn't buy much at all for Kees either when I was pregnant with him, and we brought some of it back when he died. We had bought a fabulous Moun.tain Bug.gy Ur.ban Jun.gle for him and he loved it!! But when we bought it we were so filled with fear that something might go wrong, that we arranged with the lady in the shop that if something was to go wrong, we would be able to bring it back. So we brought it back. I regret it so much. :-( Kees loved that buggy! We pushed him all over Amsterdam in that buggy ... through rain and sleet and snow. And he slept in his arctic conditions sleeping bag through it all. Family and friends bought stuff for Kees when he was born. Lots and lots of clothes. I had enough clothes for him to see him through until he was about two years old! I wrote his name in all those clothes ...

After Kees died we dismantled his cot, bundled up all his clothes and toys and stored it all away. I have been hoping that we would be able to take it all out again one day for another baby. I hope this baby is the one, because there won't be any other babies. :-(

We don't have many clothes for newborns. A good friend lent us a heap of her stuff and Kees spent most of his 7 weeks wearing borrowed clothes. He was growing out of it very quickly and the week before he died, we washed it all and brought it all back. So I need to buy some newborn clothes for this baby.

The same good friend also lent us her baby capsule for in the car as well as a baby bath (with stand) for in our bathroom. We brought it all back.

I guess what I'm saying is, we need to get stuff out of storage, wash it and set it all up. We need to re-arrange our spare room (not much spare about it -- it's choc-a-bloc full to the ceiling) so that Kees' lovely blue cot will fit in. Craig and I sleep in our attic and there's no space for a baby up there. We need to buy a new baby capsule for when we use a car (we don't have a car but we're part of a car-sharing club). We need to buy a baby bath and stand for the bathroom.

I have been very brave over the last few weeks and bought a new pram. Another Moun.tain Bug.gy, a Swi.ft this time, because we did so love our buggy last time. We also bought a buggy liner and arctic conditions sleeping bag with it. And I even bought a Moun.tain Bug.gy travel bag for it on E.bay. I have also bought a Ba.by Bj.orn carrier on E.bay (because we'd borrowed that last time too). So I'm making a start.

But every time I do something for the new baby ... every time I buy something ... every time I talk to my husband about preparing something ... I get scared. I'm scared that I'll curse this pregnancy or the baby.

I'm scared to be hopeful.

My husband is scared too. He doesn't want to talk about this baby or this pregnancy or anything. He's just trying to keep his distance.

When we do talk, we both assume this baby will die too. Just so that we're not too shocked if that's what happens. This probably sounds insane to most people, but that's just what we do. We did this last time too. We were completely prepared for Kees to be born dead. Because that's what we know ... that's what we expected. And we were just getting over that fear, that expectation, when he died.

But you know what? The fact that we were expecting it somehow lessened the shock. I was nowhere near as shocked with Kees' death as I was with Freyja's. Because that's what happens to our babies. They die.

Hence our reluctance to make any plans whatsoever for when this baby is born.

I want to hope. Sooooooo much. But I'm scared to.

I want to plan. Sooooooo much. But I'm scared to.

I want to prepare. Oh so much. But I don't want to have to pack everything away again if our baby dies.

What a dilemma.

In the meantime, our plan is just to coast along for another 31 days and then, if everything goes well, Craig will be doing some last minute shopping for his new son. And I'll be supervising the re-arranging of the spare room, and the putting together of Kees' cot.

I hope.