I would GIVE ANYTHING to get my babies back. I would DO ANYTHING. I would SAY ANYTHING. Truly.
And no-one else knows this.
Why? Why does no-one else know this? Well, I think it's because it's my wishful thinking. It's fantasy-stuff. It's not reality. It will never happen. It doesn't occur to anyone that I might spend any time at all thinking about this.
Yet I do.
I think I probably spend way too much time thinking about this.
Every day something happens in my life where I think "if only ..." and then I again think what I would do (not could do) to make that possible.
The awful reality is (of course) that there is NOTHING that I can do or say or give. Nothing will give me my children back. If only it was a simple matter of money, or action or a promise. If only.
I've been living my life like this for nearly three years -- since that awful day in July 2006. So I suspect I will continue like this.
Living in the past some people call it. Not healthy others say. You'll never get over it this way, I'm constantly warned.
I know I'll never get over it. I know it's probably not healthy, but it's all I have. And it may be living in the past, but my children Freyja and Kees will never get to be a part of my future.
So (wishful) living in the past it is.
10 comments:
((hugs)) It is truly horrible having to live like this and it seems like there is no other way.
So many people also have no idea what goes on in my head...
I don't know how people can expect us to get over the death of our children; I plan on missing Sam for the rest of my life. I wish you could have them back too. xo
I can't give up the fantasy, either. I'm partially (but only partially) relieved that the devil hasn't shown up on my doorstep ready to bargain, because there's not a lot I wouldn't do, even knowing how those folktales always work out.
I'm right there with you Mirne.
I live between what could of been, what should of been, why and how can this be...no one can ever deny our love for our childrenxx
I don't think any of us will ever stop wishing our babies could come back. I don't think it''s living in the past, we all just have permanent holes in our hearts.
I would do anything too. I miss him that much. Hugs
Feeling the same way...would go anywhere, do anything.
Not living in the past, simply figuring a way to live in our new reality.
It's awful, feeling this way. Awful hardly anyone can really know.
Hugs to you. And thanks for your recent words of encouragement and advice - they're much, much appreciated.
((HUGS))
Hurting heart of a mommy who had an angel.
She left me handprints from heaven
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