Secret Garden Meeting - July

How do you see or imagine your babies now that you do not have them with you?

Freyja would have just turned three years old. I imagine she'd be tall -- she was a tall baby -- but then her mum is over six feet tall!! She'd be blonde. She looked a lot like me when she was born (with her dad's earlobes and lips and chin). I think she'd be a very determined little girl, with lots to say.

Kees would now be 18 months old. Walking and following his older sister and generally annoying her. I think he'd be much more relaxed and easy-going than his sister. We had Kees with us for 7 weeks, so we got an impression of who he was. He liked colours, he liked songs, he loved his mum and dad. He loved his food!! He put on 2.5 kgs in seven weeks!! He was a BIG boy. He looked more like his dad, but also very much like his sister. Sometimes we used to look at him as he lay sleeping and it was scary how much he looked like his sister! He also had his dads earlobes, lips and chin. I think he would be blonde as well. A very chunky boy -- I don't know whether he would have grown as tall as his sister.

I often think about them. Every time I see a family or a mum with kids, I think about my kids, and my family that should have been. I often try to picture them in my mind.

How did the loss of your last pregnancy affect your choices/decisions about the birth of your subsequent pregnancy?

Unfortunately I've had ample opportunity to think about this one. My son Kees was born 18 months after I lost my daughter Freyja. (Kees died when he was 7 weeks old.) I chose to be induced at 37 weeks when I was pregnant with Kees. I was pretty open-minded about the induction procedure itself. An epidural was always an option for me. I think the medical staff were relieved when I had my epidural!! The pains were overwhelming. I am now pregnant with my third child and I hope that he will be born in four weeks. I am again being induced. This time at 38 weeks. Again, I'm open-minded. I just want a living, healthy baby - that's all. I have no strict principles that I have to adhere to -- a living, healthy baby is my only priority. We have chosen a different hospital this time though -- another priority (to ensure my sanity) is knowing that my husband can be there with me for my entire time in hospital. So we found a place which allows us to do that.